12.28.07

12:05 a.m.

A Re-invention is Looming

It's nearing the end of 2007 and now is the time Iím supposed to look back and reflect on the year that has passed with fondness, and little happy memories are supposed to jump to mind making me wish time would slow down. Except, really, this year kind of sucked. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't really care to look back and recall. I re-read all of my old entries, and I've come to the conclusion that I am insane. Which, I partly knew already, because hello, I'm on medication. However, I also noticed a pattern to my insaneness - boys.

Boys are the problem. Aren't they always? Even the slightest interaction with them sends me into a flurry of self doubt and self destruction. Even just platonic boy interaction yields these results. The boys at school are the most amazingly sweet, kind, annoyingly intelligent boys I know, and they still set off this insecurity reaction. And, not a single one has ever said anything remotely unkind to, or about, me.

However, when you spend 95% of your time with people they tend to let their guard down. They talk about their wives, and their girlfriends, and their fuck buddies, and their one night stands with such flippancy that I often just sit their silently taking it all in.

Their wife is a nagging whore.

Their girlfriend sucks at oral sex.

Their one night stand was too fat.

Their girlfriend is a clingy bitch.

Their wife has gone downhill since their baby was born.

Their fuck buddy is so easy; let me give you her number.

Their girlfriend lets them take videos, and they wonder how they can post it online without her finding out.

Seriously, Iíve been a part of every single one of these conversations, and I still canít believe some of the things that they say. These are AMAZINGLY NICE BOYS. I canít imagine what real jerks do and say.

Anyway, I internalize absolutely every single thing ever said about anyone anywhere and flip it into some sort of dig at me.

Iím quite self-centered that way, I suppose.

Really, I guess this had absolutely no point so Iím going to digress to something elseÖ

Since itís almost a new year, itís time for a new look. My contacts are so far beyond their expiration date that theyíre past the blurry point and are actually painful. Iím sick of the brown anyway. Iím also sick of the black hair. Iím pretty much sick of everything about me, today.

I tend to try and reinvent myself by changing the way I look, when in reality it doesnít really do much except drain my wallet and make me feel worse about myself. So, for 2008, I think Iím going back to my naturalÖeverything. Back to mousy brown, curly, boring hair. Back to the plain hazel eyes. Back to the way Iím intended to look.

How eco-friendly of me.

Just to top off the randomness of this entire entry:

ted jay-z black crowes prince tongue caught boobies iggy tiffany green arm bowie

More!

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