I think my eyes are permently swollen from crying.This trial has affected me so much that I called the Captain last night after court was dismissed and asked him to take me to church.
You read that right.
Not only did I go to church, I initiated it. On a Friday night.
Of course, it was Good Friday, so the theme of the night didn't make it easy for me to sit (stand and kneel and stand and sit. Almost ad nauseum) through the entire two hour service. I cried through most of it, because most of it was silence. I'm not good in sitting in silence with nothing more than my thoughts these days. The Captain has been so sweet and supportive through this and I am thankful beyond words he's in my life. In fact, he's one of the first things I thank God for when I pray.
Yes, pray. That's how horrific it's been.
I don't even really know how to pray. I haven't been to church, in sincerity and without a hint of smugness, since I was a child. I know exactly one prayer, Our Father, and I repeat it in my head almost non-stop these days. I think I must say it at least 25 times before I can fall asleep. Then when I inevitably wake up 2 hours later, I say it another 25 times. Repeat until daylight.
I've been trying to keep myself busy at all times. Last night after church I was at the Captain's house until he drove me home around 2:30am. Next to him on the couch, I felt safe sleeping -at least a few hours.
I'm off to Jackie's daughter's birthday party. (Have I mentioned that Jackie is pregnant with another baby?!) That should keep my mind busy for a few hours, then I'm going to the Captain's to dye Easter eggs. We already have plans for church at 6:15 tomorrow morning, then brunch at my dad and step-mother's house.