12.04.06

8:17 p.m.

I'm ok

Five things Iím very grateful for:
Having someone who shares my deepest darkest secrets and still loves and accepts me
Having a car to sleep in
Having enough money to survive
Extended school library and gym hours
Wal-mart parking lots and 24 hour security trucks

I havenít written because I really donít know what to say. Iíve been living in my car since my mother kicked me out last week.

She changed the locks.

Iím ok, and to be honest, I think Iím better than ok. Iím sure itís a mix of everything thatís happened lately, but that happy person I wanted to be Ė the one I was so afraid would disappear Ė I think I still am that person. I think that my perspective on life and how I see and treat others has forever been changed. I can honestly say that I truly care about other people, and I feel compassion and empathy where there wasnít before. Iím more positive now, when I used to be nothing but negative.

I realize how very lucky I am for everything I have. I have a car to sleep in; there are people who have to sleep under bridges and on the streets. It was less than zero several nights this past week, and I was fortunate enough to be able to drive around and turn my heater on to get warm.

I have a gym membership, so I get to shower everyday. I spend hours every morning and night at the gym exercising, keeping warm and showering. I am so extremely lucky to be able to do that.

I have enough money that I can eat everyday, I can get gas, and I can survive. When it was so cold I couldnít breathe, I could afford a cheap motel room for the night. I donít have to eat out of the trash, or beg for money or food.

Itís funny how having next to nothing can make you feel like the luckiest person in the world.

I know that when I lost Sam I learned to cherish every second I spend with him, and when I lost my ovary I learned how important having family and friends that love you is, and when I lost a place to live I learned to be thankful for everything I have because there are a lot of people who have it worse than I do.

I know this has nothing to do with this, but I keep thinking of a Taoist story that a friend sent me when I was sad, and though I donít believe in fate, or that everything happens for a reason, Iíd like to.

I will be ok, so please donít worry about me.

IMG_4170 cold engine = cold heater brr IMG_4158
IMG_4177 IMG_4173 IMG_4175 IMG_4192

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