07.27.06

4:59 p.m.

sad

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. It started by going to lunch with my father. He had brought his old computer for me to have, and I thought it would be a lovely day of wiping the drive clean and getting it ready for my mother. My computer is newer and faster than his, so I planned on giving it to my mother from the beginning. Though, he doesn’t need to know that.

Anyway, I get the computer home and realize it was an old family computer from his girlfriend. There’s nothing wrong with the computer except it was riddled with worms, adware and viruses. If they just would’ve taken a few hours to clean it up and protect it, it would’ve worked just fine for years. But instead, they just got a new one.

Must be nice to just buy new stuff because you’re too lazy to fix things.

Anyway, it was a perfect opportunity to snoop, and I really wish I wouldn’t have done it. Mostly it was filled with teenage girl shit and pictures of her friends in high school. Or, little kid stuff and angsty 11 year old poetry and writings, much like I wrote.

But then I found a photo titled ‘The Fam!” complete with exclamation point.

the fam!

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I just went through every photo I have of my father and made him a book, and not one picture looks remotely close to that. I realize he didn’t choose to leave my mother, and he’s just trying to be happy and have a life, but I feel like he has another family.

Well, I guess he does.

I don’t know. I suppose I thought if I just ignored it, it would go away. Or that he shouldn’t continue with his life. Or something.

I feel like he’s moved on from us. From me. And these people get to see him everyday. And I have to schedule an appointment every 3 weeks to see him for an hour over lunch.

And I’m just bitter. And it just brought up all kinds of feelings from the divorce. I sat there for a good 20 minutes and just stared. They’re prettier than I am. Than I ever was. They’re the cute little blonde haired, blue eyed cheerleaders.

And, I’m just me.

Oh, and that scholarship money I thought I got – all $30,000 of it – I don’t get it.

They sent me last year’s award letter.

I still have a few grants, but nothing close to what I thought. My father told me when I first got it, “Don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched”.

I deserve this. I was making plans with the money, and was so happy that I wouldn’t have to work. And I realize that most people work and go to school at the same time, but when it takes 3 pages of paper to do one math problem, it’s hard to imagine working, too.

Oh, and I quit my stocking job at Kinko’s 2 weeks ago because I wasn’t getting paid.

I ate pizza last night. To the point of pain. But I didn’t purge. I really wanted to, but I didn’t.

What’s worse, being fat or having an eating disorder? Either way, I have an eating disorder; it’s just that people accept bulimia as one.

When I’m fat, I’m just fat and lazy and there’s nothing wrong with me except I’m a glutton. When I’m bulimic, people realize there’s something wrong.

I don’t know anymore.

I don’t want to be me anymore.

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