03.01.07
10:14 p.m.
third update today
Ok seriously, the past few hours have been a nightmare in my brain. Back and forth, what happened? Am I just retarded? Did he use me? Why did I let myself feel like this? Why did I get my hopes up? Blah, blah, blah.Poor Lisa has been inundated with emails from me frantic with irrational thoughts and whole paragraphs full of capital letters. She should be sainted.
Anyway, here's a brief synopses of the entire story.
I met him, he told me he was out of the military on March 1st, and that he didn't know where he was going to live or what he was going to do until he found a job. He said where ever they pay me, I'll go. Fair enough, I was warned.
Movers come and take all his shit and put it into a storage unit until he tells them where to move it to.
Calls at lunch today and says he's going home this weekend. He has a job interview Monday in St. Louis. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, so he had to leave today to make sure he gets there in time. I tell him to meet me at my house for a quickie before he leaves forever. It was good. Hell, it was great.
I called him tonight to see how the drive went and just to hear his voice because I am that god damn retarded. He answers, we talk for a minute about the drive and we get disconnected at an odd moment where it easily could've been a goodbye.
Here's an excerpt of email I sent Lisa that pretty much sums up everything.
K, so it ended awkward because I thought he had gotten disconnected, and I called back and he didn't answer. I waited a few minutes, called back. I said 'hi, me again'. And I swear he said, 'oh no' and then he hung up.So, seriously. Felt a little retarded and rejected.
Fast forward 40 minutes and my phone rings and it's him. He's still driving and was in a part of Kansas where there was no cell service. We just spent 20 minutes on the phone talking like best friends and thinking of insane places to have sex. Like, the airport or the top of Pike's Peak, or the Light rail in Denver. Like totally making plans to do all these things. So, does that mean he wants to continue this relationship....
OH MY GOD WHY AM I ACTING LIKE SUCH A FUCKING GIRL?! I HAVE NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS IN MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE.
...
I totally know how retardedly girly and junior high school "does he like me, does he not?" this is. Trust me, I know and I feel insanely ridiculous for it, but I CAN NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.
So. That's it. That's the whole story give or take a few X-rated parts. Why am I going completely insane over a boy I've known a week?!
So, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you cross your fingers, cross your toes, pray, think happy thoughts, do whatever it is that you believe, that he likes me as much as I like him, and that this works out in some weird universally meant to be kind of way. Because, I truly thought he was something special.
But, I guess if it doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be, and I'll just have to be ok with that, too.
