12.29.06

1:15 a.m.

no one truly changes

I usually enjoy this time of year; itís about wiping the slate clean and starting new. However, as I thought about my last entry and why I feel so left out of my family I realized that while everyone wants you to, no one allows you to truly change. To them, Iím still the angry and bitter druggie thief I was when I was 16, and Iíll never be anything else in their minds no matter how much I try to convince them otherwise. Itís been over 10 years.

I havenít been that person in a very long time.

I honestly believe that Iím more compassionate and caring and I try to understand other peopleís situations and empathize as much as I can, but nothing will change their perception of me anymore. I was that person for a long time, and though the drugs stopped long ago, Iíve still been a very bitter and angry person.

People expect it from me, and no matter how much I try to prove them wrong in the back of their minds, there will always be doubt as to whether or not my actions and intentions are true. Iíve tried being more open with my family and attending more family functions the past few years, but this Christmas I truly tried. I truly gave it everything I had and listened and talked and tried. Even though I was afraid and shy and scared of rejection I still tried, and it wasnít good enough.

I donít think it ever will be.

Even my best friends donít think I can change. Jackie questioned everything I've done or said the past few months. If she talks bad about a mutual friend, instead of just listening and letting her continue, I say I disagree. I told her I started volunteering and she laughed at me and asked what the catch was Ė what would I get out of it? When I made the mistake of saying I wanted a family she laughed, and then scoffed at the idea that I could ever do it. I donít say negative or mean things anymore and she asks whatís wrong with me.

Iíve been a negative person for so long, no one believes I can be anything other than that. They canít believe that I truly want to be happy; that I donít want to be so negative and angry all the time.

I can tell that even Sam doubts that I can change.

And, maybe I havenít. I still have to try. Iím not happy and positive and smiling all the time, I still have days when Iím bitter and angry and sad. I cry still, too. But maybe itís all just an act that Iím doing to fool myself into believing Iím a better person than I honestly am. Maybe Iíll always be an evil and negative person. No one else seems to believe I can, or have, changed. Maybe Iím only fooling myself.

I mean if Iíve truly changed, I wouldnít have to try, right?

IMG_4195
The only one that thinks I'm nice.

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