12.29.06
1:15 a.m.
no one truly changes
I usually enjoy this time of year; it�s about wiping the slate clean and starting new. However, as I thought about my last entry and why I feel so left out of my family I realized that while everyone wants you to, no one allows you to truly change. To them, I�m still the angry and bitter druggie thief I was when I was 16, and I�ll never be anything else in their minds no matter how much I try to convince them otherwise. It�s been over 10 years.I haven�t been that person in a very long time.
I honestly believe that I�m more compassionate and caring and I try to understand other people�s situations and empathize as much as I can, but nothing will change their perception of me anymore. I was that person for a long time, and though the drugs stopped long ago, I�ve still been a very bitter and angry person.
People expect it from me, and no matter how much I try to prove them wrong in the back of their minds, there will always be doubt as to whether or not my actions and intentions are true. I�ve tried being more open with my family and attending more family functions the past few years, but this Christmas I truly tried. I truly gave it everything I had and listened and talked and tried. Even though I was afraid and shy and scared of rejection I still tried, and it wasn�t good enough.
I don�t think it ever will be.
Even my best friends don�t think I can change. Jackie questioned everything I've done or said the past few months. If she talks bad about a mutual friend, instead of just listening and letting her continue, I say I disagree. I told her I started volunteering and she laughed at me and asked what the catch was � what would I get out of it? When I made the mistake of saying I wanted a family she laughed, and then scoffed at the idea that I could ever do it. I don�t say negative or mean things anymore and she asks what�s wrong with me.
I�ve been a negative person for so long, no one believes I can be anything other than that. They can�t believe that I truly want to be happy; that I don�t want to be so negative and angry all the time.
I can tell that even Sam doubts that I can change.
And, maybe I haven�t. I still have to try. I�m not happy and positive and smiling all the time, I still have days when I�m bitter and angry and sad. I cry still, too. But maybe it�s all just an act that I�m doing to fool myself into believing I�m a better person than I honestly am. Maybe I�ll always be an evil and negative person. No one else seems to believe I can, or have, changed. Maybe I�m only fooling myself.
I mean if I�ve truly changed, I wouldn�t have to try, right?
The only one that thinks I'm nice.
