03.24.06

4:48 a.m.

whiny, self absorbed entry. feel free to skip it

*Note: This entry was more for me than anyone else. I needed to get things out of my head. There are several things that I致e never told anyone and that I知 really ashamed of. I知 not going to go back and re-read this entry because I値l just end up erasing it and keeping everything inside. I apologize in advance for the poor grammar, spelling and flow.

***********

My midterm did not go well at all. I値l get my results tomorrow afternoon, but I壇 be extremely happy if I even got a C.

If you haven稚 noticed, the little timer thingy at the bottom of the page keeps getting reset. I want to get better, but I think I may be too weak.

Purging is my coping mechanism. If I知 sad, I purge. If I知 lonely, I purge. If I知 anxious, I purge. Hell, if I知 happy, I celebrate with food, then I purge.

I think a lot of my problem is that I keep everything inside. My family was never very open about their feelings, and I never really learned how to deal with mine.

To be perfectly honest, I live with my mother but if I知 in a room with her for more than 15 minutes alone I start to feel uncomfortable. I don稚 know how to talk to her, tell her about my day, or even discuss simple things like the neighbors. I feel anxious the entire time.

With my own mother.

It痴 the same with my father. We go to lunch every few weeks, and I have no clue how to talk to him. We sit there in silence for 80 percent of the time. The other 20% is ordering our food, discussing school for 5 minutes, then the weather. Then we sit and stare at the other people around us having lovely conversations.

With everyone else I just listen and throw in a very well thought out phrase every so often.

You have no idea how often I致e been told I知 a good listener.

The truth is that I feel guilty if I talk about me. I知 afraid I壇 be dominating the conversation, and they壇 think I was selfish. I obsess about the way I sound when I talk. If I say a word funny, use poor grammar, or just make a dumb comment it痴 all I can think about for the next eight days. Something no one else would notice, I incessantly worry about.

Oh, god. What the fuck were you thinking?!
Why did you say that?
Did you hear how retarded you sounded?
Who the fuck says "Yeah, if I can't find a parking spot in this lot, I default to the parking garage"?!
These people are never going to talk to you again.
Or worse, they値l talk to you just so they can make fun of you after you leave.

I remember when I said the above phrase, the place I was in the building when I said it, who I was talking to and the time of day. It was over a year ago.

And there are a million other scenes of self doubt running through my head just like that one.

When I think about it I feel even more selfish and self centered. I mean honestly, why the hell do I think that everyone is only thinking about me and what comes out of my mouth? I知 not that damn special.

I don稚 know what to do anymore.

I just want to tell everyone everything and not feel like I have to hide who I am. I don稚 want to feel like this anymore.

So, I知 going to purge everything now. Everything I feel ashamed of, or I知 embarrassed about, or that I haven稚 told anyone.

標hen I was 16, after my parents got a divorce, my father changed the locks at my house and my mother had kicked me out of her apartment. I had been living in my car for a few months, I had no where else to go and I was frustrated and scared and sad. So I slit my wrist. Just enough to show my mother so she壇 let me back in the house. So that I壇 have a place to stay. I never intended to kill myself. I still feel guilty about it.

肘知 still really angry at my parents. For leaving me alone. For being so self-involved that they didn稚 notice or care that they were hurting me. I don稚 know how to forgive them and it痴 killing me.

肘 lost over 50lbs in one month and people praised me for it. I was slowly killing myself and people were telling me how good I looked.

謬he longest water fast I致e done was 8 days and I felt euphoric. The longest broth fast I致e done was 22 days.

肘 used to fast all day, eat one meal at night then purge. Now I purge every time I eat. Every time I eat now it痴 a disgusting amount of food. Disgusting, fatty fast food.

謬he whole left side of my body is swollen and it aches. I have bruised up and down my legs and I don稚 know where they came from; there are at least seven. I feel dizzy most of the time and lightheaded. My hips hurt and I can稚 seem to ever get comfortable. I知 afraid that I知 dying.

肘知 afraid to die.

標hen Jackie told me she was pregnant I was really angry and bitter. I had secretly hoped she壇 have a miscarriage. I didn稚 think she deserved a child. She壇 been pregnant three times before and had an abortion and two miscarriages, both of which were self-induced. I feel so guilty about it.

漂esterday my mother told me to quit vomiting in the sink as if it was something you said in daily conversation.

肘 think I purge, not only to punish myself, but to hurt others, too. The fact that it doesn稚 affect her at all makes me mad at myself.

肘 don稚 think I知 worthy of getting help. I don稚 think I知 fucked up enough to warrant it.

肘致e gained 20lbs since I quit restricting my calories and started purging again. Obviously I知 not doing something right.

肘 use my bulimia/anorexia/compulsive overeating/eating disorder as an excuse to not live my life.

肘致e been worried that I used the word euphoric wrong since I typed it 20 minutes ago.

肘知 afraid that if people know the real me that they won稚 like me. Why do I think everyone has to like me?

肘 don稚 want to be a mechanical engineer but it痴 too late to turn back now.

purged

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