03.24.06
4:48 a.m.
whiny, self absorbed entry. feel free to skip it
*Note: This entry was more for me than anyone else. I needed to get things out of my head. There are several things that I�ve never told anyone and that I�m really ashamed of. I�m not going to go back and re-read this entry because I�ll just end up erasing it and keeping everything inside. I apologize in advance for the poor grammar, spelling and flow.My midterm did not go well at all. I�ll get my results tomorrow afternoon, but I�d be extremely happy if I even got a C.
If you haven�t noticed, the little timer thingy at the bottom of the page keeps getting reset. I want to get better, but I think I may be too weak.
Purging is my coping mechanism. If I�m sad, I purge. If I�m lonely, I purge. If I�m anxious, I purge. Hell, if I�m happy, I celebrate with food, then I purge.
I think a lot of my problem is that I keep everything inside. My family was never very open about their feelings, and I never really learned how to deal with mine.
To be perfectly honest, I live with my mother but if I�m in a room with her for more than 15 minutes � alone � I start to feel uncomfortable. I don�t know how to talk to her, tell her about my day, or even discuss simple things like the neighbors. I feel anxious the entire time.
With my own mother.
It�s the same with my father. We go to lunch every few weeks, and I have no clue how to talk to him. We sit there in silence for 80 percent of the time. The other 20% is ordering our food, discussing school for 5 minutes, then the weather. Then we sit and stare at the other people around us having lovely conversations.
With everyone else I just listen and throw in a very well thought out phrase every so often.
You have no idea how often I�ve been told I�m a good listener.
The truth is that I feel guilty if I talk about me. I�m afraid I�d be dominating the conversation, and they�d think I was selfish. I obsess about the way I sound when I talk. If I say a word funny, use poor grammar, or just make a dumb comment it�s all I can think about for the next eight days. Something no one else would notice, I incessantly worry about.
Oh, god. What the fuck were you thinking?!
Why did you say that?
Did you hear how retarded you sounded?
Who the fuck says "Yeah, if I can't find a parking spot in this lot, I default to the parking garage"?!
These people are never going to talk to you again.
Or worse, they�ll talk to you just so they can make fun of you after you leave.
I remember when I said the above phrase, the place I was in the building when I said it, who I was talking to and the time of day. It was over a year ago.
And there are a million other scenes of self doubt running through my head just like that one.
When I think about it I feel even more selfish and self centered. I mean honestly, why the hell do I think that everyone is only thinking about me and what comes out of my mouth? I�m not that damn special.
I don�t know what to do anymore.
I just want to tell everyone everything and not feel like I have to hide who I am. I don�t want to feel like this anymore.
So, I�m going to purge everything now. Everything I feel ashamed of, or I�m embarrassed about, or that I haven�t told anyone.
�When I was 16, after my parents got a divorce, my father changed the locks at my house and my mother had kicked me out of her apartment. I had been living in my car for a few months, I had no where else to go and I was frustrated and scared and sad. So I slit my wrist. Just enough to show my mother so she�d let me back in the house. So that I�d have a place to stay. I never intended to kill myself. I still feel guilty about it.
�I�m still really angry at my parents. For leaving me alone. For being so self-involved that they didn�t notice or care that they were hurting me. I don�t know how to forgive them and it�s killing me.
�I lost over 50lbs in one month and people praised me for it. I was slowly killing myself and people were telling me how good I looked.
�The longest water fast I�ve done was 8 days and I felt euphoric. The longest broth fast I�ve done was 22 days.
�I used to fast all day, eat one meal at night then purge. Now I purge every time I eat. Every time I eat now it�s a disgusting amount of food. Disgusting, fatty fast food.
�The whole left side of my body is swollen and it aches. I have bruised up and down my legs and I don�t know where they came from; there are at least seven. I feel dizzy most of the time and lightheaded. My hips hurt and I can�t seem to ever get comfortable. I�m afraid that I�m dying.
�I�m afraid to die.
�When Jackie told me she was pregnant I was really angry and bitter. I had secretly hoped she�d have a miscarriage. I didn�t think she deserved a child. She�d been pregnant three times before and had an abortion and two miscarriages, both of which were self-induced. I feel so guilty about it.
�Yesterday my mother told me to quit vomiting in the sink as if it was something you said in daily conversation.
�I think I purge, not only to punish myself, but to hurt others, too. The fact that it doesn�t affect her at all makes me mad at myself.
�I don�t think I�m worthy of getting help. I don�t think I�m fucked up enough to warrant it.
�I�ve gained 20lbs since I quit restricting my calories and started purging again. Obviously I�m not doing something right.
�I use my bulimia/anorexia/compulsive overeating/eating disorder as an excuse to not live my life.
�I�ve been worried that I used the word euphoric wrong since I typed it 20 minutes ago.
�I�m afraid that if people know the real me that they won�t like me. Why do I think everyone has to like me?
�I don�t want to be a mechanical engineer but it�s too late to turn back now.
