03.16.05
12:48 a.m.
breathe
Ever wonder what it�d be like to breathe? Probably not. I have.I blame a cold, I blame allergies, I blame asthma, but the truth is it�s the smoking.
Yes, I smoke and I have asthma. I�m stupid.
I�ve come to the realization that after eight years, it�s not just a �phase� anymore.
I want to quit. I want to feel better. I need to quit. I want to BREATHE.
I�ve half-heartedly tried before. I made it a week. I never announced it, and I never made it official. I said I was �cutting back�. Now that I think about it, I didn�t really quit. I�ve lied to myself so much, that I actually believe I quit for a week. In all reality, I cheated. I smoked off of more than one of Jackie�s cigarettes. I �borrowed� a few from my co-workers. Hmmm. Come to think of it, I didn�t quit smoking cigarettes, I just quit buying them.
Anyway, I�m quitting. I have the date set, and I think I�m prepared this time.
I�ve never came right out and said, �Hey, I�m quitting.�
Until now.
I�ve announced it to everyone I know. I�ve warned them that I will be in full bitch mode come next week.
Telling everyone has made it official. Now, if I don�t quit, I�m a failure. I can�t fail. At anything. Ever. It�s part of my personality. I quit before I�m fired, I drop out before I fail, I don�t tell people things I try so they won�t know I failed.
If I can�t do this, there�s no alternative. I fail.
I�ve already been told I can�t, that I won�t even try, that I�ll break in less than a day.
It just makes me more determined to prove them wrong. I�ll be damned if I give someone the opportunity to say, �I told you so�.
I pray I can do this, and I�m not a religious gal. But, I�m sick of feeling like this. I�m sick of stinking. I�m sick of having to drench myself with body spray every 5 minutes just so I can smell like a flower scented ashtray. I�m sick of feeling dirty all the time.
I just want to breathe.
