11.16.04
6:38 p.m.
ominous
I have an ominous feeling; something�s wrong.I feel drained. I feel empty.
I don�t know what. I don�t know why. I just know I feel like crying�
Maybe I do know�part of it; I continually try to sabotage myself.
School was too easy, so what do I do? I start missing classes. I start pushing the limits.
Now, I feel behind and overwhelmed. I feel like I�m never going to catch up, and what�s the point of doing it anyway?
It�s the same thing I�ve done time and time again with everything in my life. Something isn�t hard enough? Isn�t challenging enough? Too easy? I fuck it all up until it�s in shambles, then bitch because now it�s too hard to fix.
Then I quit.
I think I do it to taunt myself. To say, �See, you are worthless. Why do you even try?�
I do it in every conceivable situation: work, love, family, friendships, life in general�.now, I can add school to the ever growing list.
The only redeeming quality of college is the beginning of a new semester.
Then, I get to start the entire cycle over again and fuck that up, too.
But, that�s not all. There�s something else looming over my head, and I can�t seem to define it.
I think instead of trying to analyze it, I�ll just chalk it up to my uterus. It�s easier to usher it away and forget about it when you blame it on biology. At least until the next time.
