11.16.04

6:38 p.m.

ominous

I have an ominous feeling; somethingís wrong.

I feel drained. I feel empty.

I donít know what. I donít know why. I just know I feel like cryingÖ

Maybe I do knowÖpart of it; I continually try to sabotage myself.

School was too easy, so what do I do? I start missing classes. I start pushing the limits.

Now, I feel behind and overwhelmed. I feel like Iím never going to catch up, and whatís the point of doing it anyway?

Itís the same thing Iíve done time and time again with everything in my life. Something isnít hard enough? Isnít challenging enough? Too easy? I fuck it all up until itís in shambles, then bitch because now itís too hard to fix.

Then I quit.

I think I do it to taunt myself. To say, ďSee, you are worthless. Why do you even try?Ē

I do it in every conceivable situation: work, love, family, friendships, life in generalÖ.now, I can add school to the ever growing list.

The only redeeming quality of college is the beginning of a new semester.

Then, I get to start the entire cycle over again and fuck that up, too.

But, thatís not all. Thereís something else looming over my head, and I canít seem to define it.

I think instead of trying to analyze it, Iíll just chalk it up to my uterus. Itís easier to usher it away and forget about it when you blame it on biology. At least until the next time.


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I'm Not Dead, I Swear

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