11.16.04
6:38 p.m.
ominous
I have an ominous feeling; something’s wrong.I feel drained. I feel empty.
I don’t know what. I don’t know why. I just know I feel like crying…
Maybe I do know…part of it; I continually try to sabotage myself.
School was too easy, so what do I do? I start missing classes. I start pushing the limits.
Now, I feel behind and overwhelmed. I feel like I’m never going to catch up, and what’s the point of doing it anyway?
It’s the same thing I’ve done time and time again with everything in my life. Something isn’t hard enough? Isn’t challenging enough? Too easy? I fuck it all up until it’s in shambles, then bitch because now it’s too hard to fix.
Then I quit.
I think I do it to taunt myself. To say, “See, you are worthless. Why do you even try?”
I do it in every conceivable situation: work, love, family, friendships, life in general….now, I can add school to the ever growing list.
The only redeeming quality of college is the beginning of a new semester.
Then, I get to start the entire cycle over again and fuck that up, too.
But, that’s not all. There’s something else looming over my head, and I can’t seem to define it.
I think instead of trying to analyze it, I’ll just chalk it up to my uterus. It’s easier to usher it away and forget about it when you blame it on biology. At least until the next time.
