10.07.04

2:12 p.m.

bereft

I had lunch with my father yesterday. Its a ritual we do once a month or so. I imagined when I grew older I would be able to go back to my parents house and feel comforted...comfortable. Talk with them; spend time together. Instead, Im penciled in for a lunch date, and we talk shallowly about our lives for an hour, then were off in our separate directions again.

We used to be so close; I used to tell him everything. We could sit on the couch and watch a football game; or go to the lake, go camping, or to amusement parks...wherever, and wed enjoy each others company. Wed laugh, wed smile, wed joke. Now, I feel as if Im having lunch with a business partner. Its...sterilized.

Theres an uneasiness about the whole situation. I want so much to tell him things, share my life in a deeper sense than just Schools going good and Did you see the game last weekend? But I censor myself.

Hes changed. Ive changed.

I miss the old us.

He told me that my grandmother is dying of leukemia; so nonchalantly, no show of emotion. The same way he told me when he had colon cancer; just matter-of-factly.

I havent seen my grandmother in over fifteen years. She lives in Germany and Ive yet to have the disposable income to just jet across the Atlantic. I know if I ever did, Id have the same uneasy feeling Im beginning to experience around my father.

I feel bereft. My incoherent thoughts cant express the loss. Not for my grandmother, but for the relationship with my father.

I dont want it to continue like this, yet I know no way of fixing it.

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