06.22.04

11:17 p.m.

Placate me

Iím lonely, but not in the conventional sense of the word.

I have friends, family and co-workers who care about me; if I wanted, I could be surrounded by people ninety percent of the time. Itís not that I feel alone, itís that I feel lonely.

Itís difficult when you change and the people whoíve known you forever donít want to accept it. Iíve been such a bitter person for so long; people have come to expect snide remarks and scathing comments from me. Iím not that person anymore. At least I donít want to be.

I want someone who can accept that I change Ė continually. I want someone who knows all of my idiosyncrasies and peculiarities and not only accepts them, but embraces them. I want to share my opinion on everything and not have someone judge me for lack of political correctness. Someone who knows I like uncool things like AM radio and science - and doesnít care. Someone who likes football as much as I do, and enjoys the stupid, imaginary rivalry I invent between our teams. Someone who can listen to me whine when I need to and give me space when I want it. I want someone who knows my insecurities Ė that Iím not always such a cold-hearted, sarcastic bitch. That sometimes I feel like crying for no reason. It would be nice to let my guard down once in awhile Ė just let someone in. Let someone know the real me, or at least help me discover who I am. Iíve played so many roles in my life; Iím not even convinced of who I am. Iíve spent most of my life placating others, making sure they were content with themselves and their situation in life. I want someone who will do that for me.

Maybe itís societyís fault. It seems everyone blames society for their own shortfalls, who am I to argue? Itís force fed from birth that the ultimate goal in life is to be part of a couple and reproduce. After all, the only thing anyone ever turns out to be in the end is someone elseís grandparent. Perhaps Iím too picky; do other people settle for less than I expect? Maybe I should feel itís adequate to tell the anonymous masses who I really am, while keeping my thoughts and fears to myself in the real world. I could go on like this for the rest of my life Ė playing the part of a pulled together, self sufficient, independent woman. But, I donít really want to.

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