9:57 p.m.


Ok, so I hide it well most of the time, but I can't anymore.

I am so absolutely distraught. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am so lost and so scared in every single class except one. I'm so afraid of failure. I see everyone around me with families and loved ones and friends and I feel so very alone. I see people that are happy and more than anything I envy them. I'd live in a cardboard box on the side of the road if I could just have someone with me that loved me unconditionally.

Instead of dealing with life, I get scared and I withdraw and I ignore and I lash out at people and I cry.

I cry and cry and cry and cry.

I'm crying now. My head hurts from crying. And I'm sure there are people with more things to cry about. I know there are. There are people with real problems and real issues and I can't handle living life day to day.

My panic attacks are worse every day. Yesterday my entire left arm was numb and my fingers were tingly the entire day because my heart would not stop racing. My body aches and my head hurts and my heart hurts.

My soul hurts.

I know I have done this to myself. I know I have brought every bad thing and every lonely night and every hateful word I hear upon myself.

I've gained so much weight in the past few months. I disgust myself. Soon I will be 300lbs. I have no one to talk to about it, I have no one that will just listen and not judge me and not try to fix me.

I have no coping mechanism. I never learned one, or rather I never learned a healthy one. Some people cut, some people drink, some people do drugs. I binge and purge until my throat is raw and bloody. Then I go to the gym for hours a day and try to fix the damage I've already done.

It's not working anymore. I'm not losing weight, I'm not staying the same, I'm gaining and gaining and gaining. I've broken my body, too.

There is a part of me that wants to just die, though I know that isn't the answer.

So, there it is. I'm sick of being the strong one. I'm sick of telling everyone else their lives will be ok when I feel as if I'm slowly dying inside.

And it kills me that no one sees it. That no one knows me well enough to see that I am drowning. Or that no one cares enough to try and save me anymore.

So, I need you - whoever you are. I need someone to listen. I need someone to love me when I can't because I can't right now and I'm afraid that I will slip away. I need someone to hug me, to hold me, to tell me it will be better. I need a friend who won't leave me, who won't give up on me. Who won't focus so much on herself that she fails to recognize that I need help.

Because I'm too weak to ask for help.

Please. Please anyone. Please be my friend. I'm afraid and alone.

I'm going to grocery store. I may be numb afterwards, but at least I'm not in pain.

last entry | next entry


I'm Not Dead, I Swear


Bulletpoints - 09.01.10
Today starts week three of my jury duty. - 04.13.10
I think my eyes are permently swollen from crying. - 04.03.10
I know it's April Fool's day, but I promise you this is no joke. - 04.01.10
Tempting fate. Please don't let me regret this. - 03.29.10

Archives 2002-2004


Perfect Pandas

Add to Technorati Favorites
Personal Blogs - Blog Top Sites
Health Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory