11:42 p.m.

by no means am I selfless, but I'm sad


Sometimes I think I expect too much from people.

Ok, not sometimes - all the time, and I don't really think it - I know it.

Just this afternoon on the phone, Jackie said that I was the ideal friend because her other friends just sit and talk about themselves all day and constantly redirected the conversation back to them. I, on the other hand, was the best listener and never interrupted her or dominated the conversation. And, that I truly listened and paid attention, not just 'mhmm' and 'oh yeah' -ed.

Then she continued to babble on and on about herself while I listened.

I do expect too much from people. I expect them to take an interest in my life as much as I do theirs. I want them to care about how I'm doing as much as I do about them. And while I listen and listen and listen and ask questions and show concern over every trivial thing - because they're worried about it - I sit there hoping they'll take an interest in me.

I just want them to ask a question, and truly care about the answer that follows.

But everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't take a minute to give a shit about anyone else's.

And me? I just want to make everyone happy, and I just want the people that I love to be ok, and to be happy, and to smile, because then it seems like maybe I've helped. Maybe I've helped their life be a little easier for a second, or maybe I showed them that someone cares and is truly listening, or maybe I made a difference.

But, I don't think I really do.

And I feel selfish for even wanting someone to focus on me and my life and how I'm feeling because deep down inside I don't think that I'm really worth the time.

When it comes down to it, not a single friend could answer a simple question about my life recently - like how my relationship with Mark is - because they can't take a single breath between sentences to ask.

Today I'm working on #5.

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