11:42 p.m.

in repair

"We accept only the love that we think we deserve."

I read that somewhere and I can't remember where, but it's been floating in my head for weeks. It seems appropriate considering I think I deserve none.

Anyway, I've been asked to go out on Friday again by Mark, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure I even like him. He's nice enough, but I just keep thinking he's not...I dunno...a keeper.

But, do I feel this way, truly? Or do I just not like him because he's not Sam? Am I going to hold everyone to this standard I have in my head? Because if I do, no one will ever reach it except Sam himself, and that's not realistic.

That, and it's been a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time since I've had sex, and it'd be nice to just... Yeah, I don't know.

I know this probably makes sense to no one except me, but it's like I just want to have sex with him, or nothing. If I get to know him better, I'm not going to want to have sex with him, because I'll be all insecure and self conscious and not want him to touch me. However, if I just do it now, before I have any attachment or feelings for him, I won't care what he thinks. Or, wait...of course I'll care - I care about every little thing people think about me - but not as much. Make sense? Probably not.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I think I'd feel like a whore if I slept with him, but I also think it'd be nice.

That's what college is for, right?

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