11:01 p.m.

I have serious issues

I don't know what's going on in my own brain anymore.

I just don't want to think about anything anymore. I just want to be...void.

I know I said I didn't, but I think I've changed my mind. I don't want to think about anything that's happening in my life anymore.

Next month is the last month my mother will receive an alimony payment from my father. It's more than 50% of her income, and she refuses to acknowledge that it's ending, or what's going to happen when it does.

We're poor enough now, what will we do when there's half as much money?

I shouldn't be in the middle of this. This shouldn't be my problem, but regardless, it is. More than one person has told me that I should just move out and worry about me, but how can I do that? Even if she's not the best mother, she's still my mother. How can I leave a 56 year old woman to die poor and alone?

I try to help out, I pay for the phone, the cable and the internet. It's not like I take up that many more resources than she already uses. I have to take my showers at the gym because I use too much water. I buy my own groceries, and I don't even eat anymore so she gets to eat them. I don't have the money to pay rent, but I will - and have - when I can. The point of moving back home was so I could focus on school and not have to worry about rent.

But, she's angry and bitter about life and the choices she made, and she takes them out on me.

I don't want her life, and I feel like it's where I'm headed. I feel like I'm going to be this lonely old woman who sits at home with her 4 cats and 2 dogs and dies slowly in front of the television set.

I don't want to die alone.

My father makes well over a quarter of a million dollars a year, but insists he's poor. I don't blame him in the slightest for not wanting to pay anymore alimony. It's been ten years, it wasn't just his fault the marriage failed. I think he's paid his dues to my mother. But when I told him that it wasn't just fucking my mother over, it was fucking me over it's like he didn't even care.

"You're an adult, Julie. You can take care of yourself."

Yeah, I know I'm an adult, but because of you two I feel like a fucking perpetual 16 year old. I feel so small and helpless and worthless.

All I've ever wanted to do in life was make him proud of me. It's the reason I have an eating disorder. He paid me $10 for every pound I lost when I was younger so I would stay thin. It backfired, and I hate myself every day because I couldn't please him. It's the reason I'm in college going for a degree that really doesn't interest me all that much, but I knew it would make him proud.

I knew it would give us something to talk about over our monthly one hour lunch meetings.

How pathetic am I? I'd fuck him if it'd make him love me more.

It seems to be all I'm searching for in a man anyway. Can you be my father and love me forever, because my real one doesn't? Don't leave me like my father did, please. Please love me forever. Please. Please. Please. I'll do anything you ask, and I'll be perfect. Just please love me.

I'm so pathetic.

He forgot my birthday. He forgot my birthday and I still can't get over it. It hurts so much. Why do I still try? Why do I still care?

So, the next two months of my life aren't going to be fun and I'd rather just be void than feel what I'm feeling now.

I worry about Sam so I don't have to worry about my life. Is he ok, will she break his heart, what if she's trapping him into marriage and a baby, what if she's crazy like me, what if she's perfect for him, what if she doesn't like me, what if he forgets about me? My grades are slipping beyond repair. I've skipped class more than I've been - to any of them. Sometimes I go and just leave in the middle because I can't stand to sit there any longer. I have a quiz tomorrow and I went to the gym today instead of studying. Twice.

It's a good thing I know how to survive living in a car for extended periods of time, because I fear that when the last alimony payment is made it's where I'll end up.

If you ever need any tips on that, let me know. I've got plenty.

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