08.30.04
11:27 p.m.
Panic stricken
192 hours, 33 minutes, 27 secondsI�ve changed my countdown to reflect the next phase in my life...old age. I will turn a quarter of a century on Saturday, and I�m beginning to feel the wrinkles forming. Anxiety about school has been replaced with anxiety about my life. Twenty five years on this planet and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. No husband (not even a fling to speak of), no offspring, no house, nothing to call my own but a few fading tattoos, a hole in my tongue, a beat up car and a beat up dog.
I�m impatient. I want to be through with college, a successful homeowner and upstanding citizen that contributes to society. All I am now is a leech on my mother and the general public.
I�m beginning to notice parallels in my life and that of a 50 year-old balding man going through a midlife crisis.
1. I basically quit my job and started college. Not far from Mr. Fifty quitting his job, selling his house and becoming a nomad.
2. I am surrounded by gorgeous, virile 18 year-old guys, and I feel the urge to molest them. I�m sure I could teach them a few things, and I�m fairly certain eighteen year-olds are exceedingly eager to learn. Damn my morals, and fear of being laughed at by my peers. Oh, Mr. Midlife Crisis, I feel your pain.
3. I have this incredible urge to buy a new car. Not a Ferrari, Lamborghini, or God forbid a DeLorean, but a fuel saving Prius. Guys go for speed, I go for economy.
4. I completely changed my hair, waxed my body and bought a new wardrobe. Ok, maybe not a completely new wardrobe, but enough that I feel guilty about it. Soon, I�ll be pricing hair pieces and extensions.
5. I can�t remember what I did yesterday, let alone last week. I think it�s the beginning of Alzheimer�s.
So, maybe I exaggerate a bit, but I�m feeling increasingly paranoid about my impending birthday.
