2:33 a.m.

The disappointment in his eyes when he looked at me will be the thing that ensures I do this

I'm not dead, though lately I feel as if I'd rather be.

I'm really in a shitty mental place at the moment, especially about my weight. I weigh more now than I've weighed in years and though I would love to blame it all on the steroids I've been taking for months, I know it's a combination of a lot of things coming to a head. Things I need to finally face and get over once and for all. I can't continue to do this to my body every three years as self punishment for things I had no control over in the past.

I know that doesn't make sense to anyone else right now. I'm sorry, but I just can't explain it yet.

Anyway, I fought with my doctor on Monday. Literally yelled and cried about how I'm not taking those pills anymore and how I don't care if my fucking throat explodes, I'm sick of feeling, looking and being completely miserable.

Who does that? Who actually yells and cries at their physician? Whose physician actually yells back?

But, the good news? I'm already well into the whole drastic weight loss portion of my requisite 3 year fucked up body cycle, and from experience I estimate that I can lose the weight by September if not sooner.

Except this time, I'm going to fix my mind as well as my body. I don't know if I can do it alone, but I don't think anyone can love me the way I look now...

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I'm Not Dead, I Swear


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