02.16.08

3:55 a.m.

You only lose what you cling to

I have serious abandonment issues, which I think you�re all pretty aware of by now I�m pretty sure it started at 15 during my parents� divorce when they both moved out of the house and literally left me to raise myself. I didn�t see my mother for almost 6 months and rarely thereafter. My father came home and spent the night once a week at most, with once a month being the norm.

Since then I�ve had a string of bad relationships, one after the other. Jeremy being the most significant, and probably important one thus far and that relationship ended with him storming out the door never to be heard from again � or at least not for years. Four and a half years of a relationship and I didn�t even get a goodbye, let alone proper closure.

I think I�ve been conditioned to expect people to just leave me without warning or even saying goodbye, and with this expectation has grown such irrational fear that I can�t even think straight when I feel like it�s going to happen again. It�s especially bad when I upset or hurt someone I care about. I have this panic attack/fight or flight reaction and immediately focus all my energy and effort into making sure they don�t leave. I�ll beg, I�ll plead, I often cry. And what for? It�s completely counterproductive and makes their desire to leave even stronger. It doesn�t even matter who the person is � I�ve done it to The Boy (more than once already) and I completely trust him and KNOW, without a doubt, that he loves me and he�s not that kind of person.

And, when I think about it rationally� when I think about it any other time except at that very moment, I see how absolutely ridiculous I�m being. I KNOW that it�s irrational behavior. I KNOW that it�s doing nothing but pushing them further away. I KNOW that they aren�t going to leave me forever. Yet, in that instant I can�t stop from feeling like the world is caving in on me and that I�ll be left again, by someone I love, without explanation or a goodbye.

I know people fight. I know people get upset. I get upset, I get mad, and I want to just leave a situation at times and come back later. Why can�t I trust that other people will come back, too? And it�s not like I even want a relationship where we don�t fight. I think fighting and arguments and disagreements help us learn about each other and appreciate each other more. And with that, gain trust that the other person isn�t going to abandon you, or give up on you. I KNOW this, so why do I panic so badly?

Sometimes I feel like I haven�t emotionally matured past the age of twelve. I need that reassuring, simplified explanation that parents tell their children when they get frustrated and angry. The whole, �I love you. I will always love you. But, I�m really upset right now and I need time away. I�m going to leave, but I will be back. I promise.� And really, when you think about it, how pathetic is that? I�m 28 years old and I still need that kind of reassurance!? No one wants to date a child.

When I was younger and things would get bad I�d think about how someday someone would come and rescue me. That there was someone in the world made just for me and he would understand me, and love me, and fix me. Because I am broken, and more than anything I wanted someone who would love me so much that it would fix me; that their unconditional love would allow me to finally love myself, too. That they would take care of me and protect me and hold me and tell me everything would be ok because they were there and they wouldn�t let anyone hurt me ever again.

And I suppose that a lot of little girls thought that, or dreamed it, or whatever. But they all grew up and realized that it�s never going to happen and that you have to take personal responsibility and fix yourself because no one will ever want someone who is broken.

But I still dream about it, and I still want that, and I still believe that it�s going to happen someday.

But I make it so fucking hard. I make it so hard to love me because I really don�t know how to be loved. And it makes me afraid that no one will want to put in the effort - that no one will work that hard to save me - because I don�t know if I�m even worth it.

I pray The Boy doesn�t give up on me, even when I make it difficult to love me.

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