07.25.07
1:07 a.m.
it's futile to try and explain. I don't know how.
Lately I feel as if I'm just floating through life. I was supposed to take an interim class this week, but I dropped it. Now my financial aid is going to be messed up again.Honestly, my anxiety is out of fucking control. I've never been a phone person but lately every time my phone rings I'm filled with dread and anxiety.
Who the fuck is afraid of talking to someone on the phone?
I tried explaining how I felt to Jackie, but she didn't seem to understand. Nor did she take the time to try. It's pointless talking to her most of the time. If it doesn't involve her child or her husband, it's not worth her time anymore.
Anyway, this is how I tried explaining it: I have such high expectations of myself that I'm constantly disappointed. My standards are beyond normal limits and there is no way that I, or anyone, could ever achieve them. BUT, that doesn't mean I don't think I should. And when I fail to do so, I feel anxious and I beat myself up verbally. When I'm out in public, or interacting with anyone, I get so angry that they don't hate themselves, too. Like, how could you possibly stand yourself - you're not fucking perfect and you're happy?! How dare you. And I just angry and frustrated and mad at myself again.
I know that probably doesn't make sense. When I tried explaining it to Jackie she just said, "Oh, so you think you're better than everyone and that's why you get so angry?". I just wanted to cry, not just because of her flippant attitude, but maybe she's right?
I don't know.
I don't think I'm better than everyone. I'm just jealous that they're content and happy being not perfect and I hate myself for being not perfect.
But, I ramble.
