07.13.07
3:00 a.m.
7 hours at the hospital and all I have to show for it are these swollen tonsils
They refused to do surgery on me today.My blood pressure was so high the anesthesiologist refused to do it. I worried so much about the surgery, and dying, and the bad, bad, bad thoughts about anesthesia that it manifested itself physically.
When I first got there it was 166/109. Seriously, dying level. They made me lie down and breathe and over the course of the stay it went down to 138/92, but that's still pretty high. They did an ECG and of course it read sinus tachycardia. Hello, I was FREAKING OUT. My resting, just lying on the bed, heart rate was 112. Even after a Xanax.
They said the meds that they would use to control the blood pressure may cause an asthma attack or stroke and it just wasn't a risk they wanted to take, so surgery was a no go.
And, to be honest, I'm relieved they wouldn't do it. I had a VERY bad feeling about this surgery. I don't care that my throat hurts and I can't breathe. I KNEW that something bad would happen if I had that surgery. I know it sounds irrational, but I have never felt, in my little heart of hearts, that I shouldn't do something MORE than I have about this surgery.
I think I need to be put on anti-depressants. Honestly, I've felt very panicky and scared for the past few months. So much so that I think it's physically effecting my body. I heard good things about Welbutrin, anyone know about that?
I still feel anxious even though it's over. My arms are bruised from all the poking they did trying to find a vein. I'm exhausted mentally and physically.
I'm just so glad the surgery didn't happen today and that today is over.
