12:47 a.m.

I don't care

I have avoided it here. I have let it go so long that I feel as if it is a burden. It's not a burden, it's an outlet. I need it.

So, there is no possible way I can update you on all the things that have happened. In fact, I'm not even sure where I stopped updating. There will probably be overlap, but who cares, right? Right. Instead, I will do what I'm good at and make a list. If you want more info on an event, it is easily referenced by a number. Life is simpler in terms of numbers.

Here it goes.

1. I finished my interim class with an A. It was hard work but worth every 22 hour day.
2. I was kicked out of my house and lived in my car for a bit again.
3. My throat is still swollen so much that it's pretty much closed my airway. I wake up every hour at night gasping for air. I'm exhausted from literally two months of no sleep. I'm short tempered and evil to everyone. I'm fighting to get my tonsils out at a reasonable price. Having no insurance makes for a tough fight. This is an old picture, as I'm too lazy to take one now. Both tonsils are now as big as the one on the right in this picture and they meet in the middle. I have no idea what that black thing is, but it's disturbing me now. My breath smells of rotting food and flesh and nothing will make it go away. It's disgusting.


4. My grandfather has been in the hospital for 5 weeks.
5. My father had an emergency triple bypass. My brother didn't even bother to visit him while he was in the hospital. I visited him everyday, and I cried every visit. Though I didn't do it until I left so he wouldn't see.
6. Prior to his bypass, my father and I met for lunch one day. He told me that he wishes my mother and grandmother would die. As much as I can see his side of things, it still really hurts to hear someone you love wish death upon someone else you love. For a few days while he was in the hospital it seemed he had become more compassionate. It didn't last very long; he's back to wishing death upon them.
7. I slept with a married man. Knowingly. I am the worst person I know and I hate myself.
8. My brother, the person that makes me feel like the scum of the earth every time I talk to him (because really, no one is worthy of talking to him, he is perfect), is having a child. He has said repeatedly that he does not want children because they are a financial drain. It was the only thing that we agreed on in our entire life and I know it's because of the way we were raised. He is a selfish, egotistical and material person. He does not want this child, just as he did not want the two dogs they own. She's persuasive. He will be a horrible father. They are my parents all over again; down to the most minute detail. History will repeat itself, and I feel sorry for the child and it's not even born yet.
9. I want to quit my job, run away from everything, and live in my car while I travel the US. Sometimes I get into my car and it smells of my panda baby trip. It's hard to explain, but it smells like Kansas, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Washington DC, Lake Erie and every other place I visited. I have never been happier than I was on that trip.
10. I'm seriously depressed and have planned my suicide in several different ways. However, do not worry as I'm too scared to actually do it.

I want to take another road trip. I don't want to spend another $2,000. Although, I wouldn't have to rent a car this time. That would save a lot of money. Where should I go? What is a good city for someone traveling alone? DC was perfect, but it's a long, long, long drive. I loved the museums. I loved the history. I loved the fact that I was alone but I didn't feel as if I was a spectacle because I was alone.

I'm sure I left lots out. In fact, I can think of several things I forgot, but it's a start. And now I don't feel this heavy burden to update.

I've had this in my head for weeks. Don't act like you didn't love it, too.

I missed you.

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