1:30 a.m.

drunken post I'll regret tomorrow

Hi! I just got back from a night out with the girls. Except these girls were all married and had children. So really, I think it would qualify as a night out with the hags.

Am I bitter? Hell yes. Am I jealous? In ways I suppose. I don't want their lives, I don't want to be some complacent housewife who lives to cook her husband dinner and do his dishes and do his laundry and all the while claiming they enjoy it because they love their husbands so much; it's not really a chore. Oh, fuck off.

I suppose I'm jealous of the built in best friend and chaperone and debate partner and blah blah blah that being married entails. You always have a date to the party. It seems I'm pretty lonely lately and the old alliances and loyalties of best friends fade when they marry. You are no longer the one person they would give their life for, you are no longer the one person that they tell everything to, you are no longer the one person to keep their secrets. Now when I confide in my best friends, their husbands know, too. And then they discuss the finer details of my life over dinner because their conversation has become so dull that my new boy drama will give them something to make themselves feel superior. It will give them something to laugh about and silently acknowledge that yes, they are better than the single people they know because they have found someone to share their lives with.

They push aside the fact that he's fucking another woman. Don't discuss that she is suggesting threesomes just for an excuse to sleep with his best friend. Don't mind that fact that their children are already rotten brats that lack any respect for adults; they are better than me because they are no longer single.

Best friends are supposed to live similar lives. I should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen so we can compare notes on Timmy's snot color and how many diapers Johnny went through today. I have nothing in common anymore with the people that I've loved my entire life and it feels as if I'm losing everyone I know. I feel like the outcast. I feel like I'm not allowed in their clique and I'm only invited to be fodder for gossip at their baby play group.

I'm sorry. I'm a bit drunk, and a bit sad, and a bit jaded tonight.

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