1:51 p.m.

Just rambling. Please help.

So, I am still undecided as to what to do.

I sat and read her MySpace page and she reminds me of myself. It kills me that I did this to this poor girl.

I hate that I did this to this girl. I hate that he did this to this girl. She seems so sweet and kind.

She's 23, she's overweight but cute, you can tell she's insecure just from her writing, and the things she says reminds me of myself. She's a nuclear engineer.

I just want to hug her and apologize and tell her she's worth so much more than this jackass.

She's supposed to marry him in May.

Can I really ruin her life like this?

I've been in this situation. I knew Jeremy was cheating on me, but I was in complete denial. If someone had called and told me, would it have made a difference? Would I have forgiven him at the first sign of regret? Probably.

I was/am so insecure about myself that it probably wouldn't have mattered. Because I thought he was the best that I could do.

And the boy? I fell for him so hard because he seemed so perfect. Smart, kind, funny, interesting. If I was in her shoes, I'd probably just forgive him and move on.

But then, who am I to make that decision for her? She should know right? She has the right to know this before she gets married.

I wish I could be her friend. I wish I could tell her that she is beautiful and smart and deserves so much more than a jackass like him. And I wish I could hug her and apologize. I wish this never happened. I wish I didn't know. The guilt is killing me.

Then, I twist it around and I think about how much he'll hate me. Why do I even care if he hates me?! Why am I so god damn concerned about everyone liking me? He is a jackass. He is a fucking prick who lied to me, and her, and I fell for it. And, I feel like a fucking fool for it.

I don't care about revenge on him, I just wish I would've never met him. What's done is done, and I was finally accepting that fact. I didn't hate him. And as fucked up as it is, I don't hate him now.

How can I say that?! Why am I like this?

I just don't hate him. I must say, well played on his part. He had me hook, line and sinker; and, I must give credit where credit is due.

I am so fucked up in the head.

Do I move on and just let it go knowing that this girl is marrying scum. What if they have children and then get divorced and ruin their kids lives? What if I could've prevented all kinds of future heartache if I just told her now?

Do I email him and let him know I know and then never tell her? Really, what good would that do? Do I email him and say "Hey, just told your fiance about us. Have a good Thursday!"

Do I email her, tell her everything, and offer support? Who the fuck wants support from the woman who slept with your fiance? She'll hate me forever, but I think it's a hate I could live with if it helped her.

I don't want her to hate me.

I just want to crawl up in a ball and die. I internalize everything until it is my fault. If I was someone watching this whole ordeal from the outside, I'd tell me it wasn't my fault. I didn't know. I even asked if he was married/had a girlfriend/anything because I think Army boys are scum. I FUCKING ASKED HIM OUTRIGHT AND HE SAID NO. But still, it's my fault. In my head, this entire ordeal is my fault.

And I haven't told Jackie. I am too ashamed to tell her, and I never will. So, I really need a friend. And I need to know what to say if I tell her. Or what to say if I tell him. Or what to do with my fucking brain if I do nothing.

Help me, please?


I just got this in my email as part of some daily calendar thing.


Is it a sign? Fuck. I can't handle hard or harder.

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