1:01 p.m.

coming to terms

So, I'm weak and I called him today. At 11:50 to be exact. He didn't answer, so I left a message: "Hi, it's Julie. Sorry to keep bugging you. I just needed to know if you booked your flight, and what time it's coming in so I know what I need to request off from work. Or, if plans have changed, I just need to know. I realize you're on vacation and I'm sorry to keep annoying the shit out of you like this. If you could just let me know as soon as possible I'd appreciate it. My number is blah blah blah or you can email. Just let me know, thanks!"

Seriously. I know he's not going to call me back. In my heart, I can feel it. I know when I'm avoided, and I feel avoided.

It's weird how I can go from optimistic to completely pessimistic in a matter of seconds. I knew when he didn't answer that it was done with. I feel sick inside and I feel rejected and unwanted and I want to cry but I can't because I have a seriously important midterm in 40 minutes.

More than anything I feel stupid, and I hate that the most.

****Edited 4:43pm****

My midterm went ok. Better than expected I think.

He still hasn't called, and I don't really expect him to. I don't expect it, but I still hope for it. How stupid am I? The thing is, he totally didn't seem like the type to do this. I can usually pick them out, and I'm pretty hesitant to believe people aren't out to hurt me anyway, you'd think I'd notice.

Anyway, it's not like I wanted to marry him, I just wanted to go on a road trip with someone that was fun and that I could have a lot of enjoyable sex with. I don't know. I just wish I knew what was going on. If you don't like me, you don't want to come, then fine. I'll get over it. But at least have the fucking balls to tell me.

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