10:06 p.m.

I prefer list #1

I'm still upset and obsessing, but it's fading. I'm sure it'll reemerge soon enough. As for now, he either likes me or he doesn't. It's only been 4 days since I've talked to him. I don't need an update every god damn second on his life.

I do however want to know for certain if he is flying in next Friday or not.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not talk to him for more than 4 days. I guess the thing that threw me is that I left a message and he didn't return the call. But, it's not the end of the world, and I will survive with or without a call from him.

I have decided that if I have not heard from him by next Monday, I'll call him. He told me he has big plans for St. Patrick's Day weekend, and I won't bother him during the partying. I will however ask his intentions with the trip and if he doesn't want to come, I will not make him feel guilty or show my disappointment. I will not let him win if he is truly a jerk.

But, in my heart of hearts, I don't think he is a jerk. I honestly don't and that's what pisses me off the most. Because if he turns out to be an asshole, my judgment can never be trusted, and I will never trust anyone ever again.

I will never fall for someone like I have fallen for him. I can not handle losing this much control. I feel helpless and infantile.

Anyway, I have made two lists. The first is a list of things I will do if he does call and show up. The second is a list of things I will do if he doesn't.

Here's an excerpt from each:

List 1: He calls and comes

1. Have sex in the airport bathroom when he arrives.
2. Give him a blow job while he is driving. Multiple times.
3. Kiss him lots.
4. Truly believe that someone can like me; that I'm capable of being liked and I'm not some horrid monster.
5. Have hours of intelligent conversations with someone I have a ton in common with on a road trip to a place that makes me happy.

List 2: He is an asshole
1. Buy a bike rack for the back of my car.
2. Go to a bar alone and flirt with all the cute boys.
3. Drive out to see Lisa.
4. Be happy I found out he was a jerk before I was in even further.
5. *****

So, there are good things on both lists and either way I have something to look forward to, right?

Of course, excluding the fact that the trip to see Lisa is on list #2, I'd much prefer to do list #1. So could you all use your cosmic powers to help the universe converge in just the right way as to make list #1 possible? K, thanks.

I have a midterm tomorrow in a class I've attended a total of ONE time, and that was the first lecture. Lectures are archived online, and I have put off watching almost all of them until last weekend.

I have learned 8 weeks of differential equations in the span of 3 days.

This midterm is worth 50% of my final grade. There is one additional test - the final - that is worth 45% of my grade. Homework is only worth %5, so I haven't done any.

I am so stressed I might just die of a heart attack before morning.

Maybe that is for the best for all concerned...

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