03.12.07
9:46 p.m.
I bought a car, but I couldn't care less
I feel so nauseous inside.I feel like my stomach is going to leap through my throat. I hurt inside. It's like a nervous/broken heart/dying feeling.
I left a message this morning around 11:30am. He hasn't called me.
I bought a car tonight. I was excited, so I called him about 30 minutes ago. There was no answer, but I didn't leave a message.
Am I being stupid? Is this completely normal behavior for a boy and I'm just blowing it out of proportion? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore because I have fallen so hard for him and I have admitted it openly to so many people that it's not even the fact that he'd reject me, it's the fact that everyone would know he did.
Everyone would know and think I was a complete moron.
Maybe he really is just busy. Maybe he left his cellphone at a friend's house, or he's just busy having fun. I'm ok with that, honestly I am. It's the not knowing. It's the constant second guessing myself that kills me.
If he said, "I'll be busy all weekend and next week, I won't be able to talk to you until next Thursday." I'd be ok. Hell if he'd just say, "I don't really think this will work out between us. You are a freak." I'd be upset, but I'd be ok with it.
It's really the uncertainty that kills me the most, not the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me.
If I'm honest with myself, he's never been anything but kind and sweet and considerate when we talk. He's never given me a reason to doubt that he truly does like me. Why would he go through all this effort to make up some elaborate lie about going on vacation with me, then stop talking to me? I mean, if he truly is a jackass, wouldn't he have just stopped talking to me altogether before making plans?
When I talked to him on Thursday, he had priced out flights. Why would he do that if he really didn't plan on coming? Just to be nice and try to let me down slowly? That makes no sense except in my head.
I'm just insane and I talk myself into believing the worst in people because I honestly believe that no one could ever really like me.
For fuck's sake I've gained so much weight in the past several months that I'm unrecognizable to people who've only known me thinner.
I'm rambling. I do that when I'm sad and scared and nervous and trying to rationalize.
I bought a car today and I can't even get excited over it because I am so worried that he's dead in a ditch somewhere, or worse he hates me.
See how I did that? The worst case scenario is not that he's dead, but that he doesn't like me. I am so beyond fucked up.
Tell me you love me and that he likes me and that boys do this and that he really is coming on vacation with me and that I am over reacting.
Please?
