11:59 a.m.

obsessive much?

I feel lost and confused and insecure.

I've thoroughly convinced myself that the boy doesn't like me and it's all some big charade because he's too nice to tell me "Fuck off. I never want to see you again" to my face. I'm more accustom to being told that.

In fact,I was just told that by Sam. It's been a lovely day.

Anyway, I haven't talked to the boy since Thursday. He was driving to Chicago for the weekend and I didn't think anything about not hearing from him until Sunday night. Then I started obsessing.

I have been the one to call him the past two times. We talk, things are fine, we make plans about the trip and he says he's going to book the flight for these dates and we can do this and so and so. Very pleasant, normal conversations.

I know I'm crazy, and I know I obsess over everything.

My biggest fear is that he will back out of the trip and I will be left looking like a fool. There's been no indication that it will happen, he hasn't said anything that would make me suspicious, but it's who I am and it's what I do best.

About 30 minutes ago I called him, he didn't answer. I left him a message. Now I'm convinced he's screening his calls and he doesn't want to talk to me ever again.

Every time I call I feel like I'm intruding or being a nuisance or being a clingy girl. And, the thing is, it's not like he's ever insinuated or said anything that should make me think that.

So, I leave a message:

"Hi, it's Julie. I was calling to see how your trip to Chicago went and just to talk. I hope you had fun and you're back safe. Anyway, call me when you get this, I'd love to hear how the trip was. I'll talk to you later. Bye!"

God I'm retarded.

I hate talking about him. I hate obsessing about him. I hate the fact that I honestly believe that if I talk about him things will fall apart because I'm never allowed to expose my happiness or be hopeful of the future.

There is no future if he doesn't find a job here.

I even emailed him last night, trying to sound all nonchalant and not clingy. Whatever. I'm completely clingy and needy and god damn it call me.


Please. I still need your eyelashes and fingers and toes crossed. Apparently you people work magic.

Why am I so obsessive? He likes me right? Reassure me, even if you're lying, it pacifies me enough that I can at least breathe.

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