12:30 a.m.

my nurse's name was Sue

I've been in the hospital since Thursday. I was discharged this morning, but I kind of wish I'd been able to stay longer. I felt safe and taken care of there. How fucked up am I that I actually wanted to stay in the hospital?

Long story short, I've broken my heart with my bulimia. My electrolytes were fucked up. All of them were fucked up, but my potassium was so low that my heart wasn't functioning correctly; it's called severe hypokalemia. It's not fun, I don't suggest it.

Obviously there are other things with my body that aren't right. I had an asthma attack while I was in the hospital, and apparently despite the fact that they fuck up my electrolyte levels even more, they put me on steroids again.

Do you have any clue how much weight I gained last time I was on steroids? It's disgusting. I'm disgusting already, I don't think I can handle much more.

My ECG (EKG? EEG? whichever...) was ok when I left, but I have to get checked lots now. Luckily, there was a very nice lady that helped me get into a low income program and my medical bills are all taken care of now. I told them I was leaving AMA when they said I'd have to be admitted, and that's when they sent Patricia in to enroll me.

I feel guilty that I'm taking all this money from people who really need it. There are people waiting for surgeries and such and I'm wasting money on hospital stays.

I feel very ashamed. Very lost and scared, and very small. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I feel like I'm 4 years old.

I'm bloated and I'm tired and I'm going to bed now.

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