01.05.07
11:18 p.m.
all my friends live in my head
Mark and I got in a huge fight last night. Or rather, he got really angry and screamed and yelled and said horrible, horrible things.To be honest, I'm not exactly sure how it all started, but it started quickly and then exploded into this horrible thing.
Horrible. I can't really think of another word.
He said things that I expected, things I've heard before from Jeremy and Joe and countless other boys. It's like once I let people know what hurts me most, they just attack me with it.
I'm too fat, I'm too lazy, I'm too ugly, my arms are too flabby, I'm a bitch, I don't deserve them, they're the only ones that will ever want me, blah fucking blah.
I've heard everything before, but Mark went further. He said things about Sam. About how pathetic I was to think Sam was my best friend and how he's probably so glad to be rid of me and how he's ashamed of me.
And how the only friends I have live in my fucking computer. In my head.
And you know what hurts the most, is that he's right. He's right about everything he said and I can't argue about it because it's all the truth. I don't really have 'real' friends anymore. And I made the mistake of telling him these things; I made the mistake of thinking I could share things with him and tell him my insecurities.
This is why I shut down. This is why I don't share anything with anyone. Because when I do, this is what happens.
I haven't talked to him today, and I'd like to think I'll never talk to him again, but it won't end up that way. I've lived this life before, I know what I'll do and I know that tomorrow he'll call and apologize and I will apologize, and I will forgive him.
The things he said about Sam really hurt, but I think the truth hurts sometimes. I told Sam goodbye today, forever. It just hurts too much anymore.
So, that's what happened.
Please don't lecture me about Mark; I know it's not an ideal relationship. But, I am so fucking sick of sitting home alone, of having no one. It seems that either I am alone, or I am with someone like him. I'm not the best boyfriend chooser, I know this. But, I choose not to be alone.
I miss Sam already, but I think it's best for him, too.
