12:55 a.m.

happy new year to you

I spent New Year's Eve alone. Not that it came as a big surprise, it's just depressing. As the clock hit midnight, I had a mask on my face and was getting ready to get in the shower.

I carried my phone around with me hoping that someone would call at midnight. No one ever did. Not that that came as a big surprise, either.

By far, 2006 was my worst year. It started off wonderful and I did get to see my panda baby (though he's not really mine anymore, his adoption has expired), but it went downhill from there.

I lost my good GPA, I lost consciousness and passed out in the middle of class, I lost my ovary and I lost my best friend.

The last one hurts the most.

Anyway, I usually don't make resolutions, or if I do they're half assed at best, but tonight I've decided to make one and actually try to keep it.

Resolution #1
Love myself as much as I try to love everyone else.


edited to add:

Our cable internet has changed from Adelphia to Comcast, and with that change, my email has changed, too. I rarely use that email but I decided to sign in and see if there was anything I needed before it switched over. I have my login information saved in Firefox, but it accidentally signed into my mother's email account. Apparently that was the last one I signed into so many months ago. Anyway, I should've just logged out, but I couldn't help but notice a draft waiting to be sent. It serves me right for snooping.

Dear Ex-husband,
Well your time is almost up =) I can't believe it's already been 10 years! I was just wondering if your still committed to the promissory note that you signed? I just wanted to let you know the money that you gave me each month all went to supporting our daughter and having a place for her to live. She still has one more year of college after this year to get through and it would help give her a place to live. She has done very well in college and I'm proud of her for that. But she has not been a pleasant person to live with, and not very appreciative! But she is our daughter and I couldn't put her out in the street, no matter how awful she has been to me. If she could get a part time job and go to school part time and pay me some to live with me, that would really help but I know she wouldn't be willing to do that. I haven't charged her any to live with me. And the sooner she can get done with school, she can get out on her own which would benefit her, as well as me. She seems to think I would still have to pay the same if she didn't live with me but I guess she doesn't understand that I wouldn't. Everything would be less if it was just me living there, water, electricity and fuel and wear & tear on my car. She does nothing to help, unless it benefits her, she pays half of the cable because she needed the DSL. She drives my car a lot and yes she does put some gas in once in awhile, but also puts a lot of miles on it. She usually buys food she wants to eat, only since she has been in school, because I feel she gets money from school and I feel she can at least do that. She has brought all the animals in that we have now, said she'd help. I buy all the food and clean-up after them, so some of your money has gone to that cause also. You probably don't want to hear all this but I think you needed to know and understand your money did not go to me really but to help your daughter out. I know I am not blameless in all this, and I understand that you probably feel you paid enough. I really could have gotten more but I always told my lawyer to back off. So I'm hoping you will follow through on your obligation and pay the $10,000.00 you agree to 10 years ago, then you'll be done with us.

Ok, I am beyond upset. Is this how she really sees it? Is this honestly how she thinks our life works, or is she just using me again as a fucking pawn in this sick and twisted divorce? I can't stop crying. I can't even see through the tears as I type this. I'm so appalled that this is happening again ten years later. Maybe I'm delusional and this letter is what it's really like to live with me. Maybe I really am this horrible, horrible, ungrateful, horrible monster of a person.

I truly am a child inside. I feel like I'm 10 years old again. I'll never have an adult relationship, or be confident or love myself because I'm still this insecure little 10 year old that thinks she can save her parents marriage by being perfect. I look to everyone else to validate me, and when I don't get constant validation I feel worthless and upset.

Finding this letter feels like the equivalent of being stabbed. Of being told you aren't loved. Of being alone. Of being hated. Of being blamed for other people's failures.

I will leave forever. I will never look back at my life prior to this. I will start new with new family and new friends that will actually love me. Or I will die alone, but I can not live like this any longer. Alone and dead is better than alive and unwanted.

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