1:42 a.m.

self centered wallowing

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday. Mine was less than stellar and I've been avoiding writing about it.

Avoiding thinking about it.

This was a hard holiday, not only because I was lacking the financial funds to spend what I'd like on gifts, but also because I've lost my best friend and I miss him so very much.

I made gifts for everyone because I couldn't afford to buy real gifts. I made those annoying little jars of dry cookie mix layered into pretty distinct layers. Then, all you have to do is dump the jar into a bowl, add eggs and milk, and bake. I know it's a cheap and crappy gift, but I also made little mini scrapbooks for everyone. I put in pictures and memories that I shared together with the recipient. I keep memorabilia of everything I do because I like making these types of things. I added movie ticket stubs of a movie we went to, or a token to a fair we went to, or other tangible items along with the pictures.

They took a long time to make and I worked hard on them and I thought they were thoughtful. However, they were received with less than enthusiastic "oh..."s. And, "Well, that's interesting".

I'm sure most will end up in the trash.

I guess I'm more sentimental than other people. No one seems to appreciate the things I keep or make nearly as much as I do. I look at an item and see memories, others look at it and see trash. I guess that makes me a pack rat.

Anyway, it was a pretty shitty Christmas. I feel very shallow and selfish for being upset about it, but I didn't get anything for Christmas. Well, I got Christmas cards from everyone, and I should be grateful for that. While I realize what it's like not to have money for gifts, I spent hours making everyone something, and I feel very sad that they couldn't even get me a dollar store gift.

Everyone else was opening gifts from each other and I just sat there and watched.

I've never had a Christmas where I didn't get any gifts. I feel absolutely pathetic for being this sad about it, because there are lots of people who have nothing at all, and I'm very lucky to have everything I could ever need.

I did get to spend time with my family, but I feel like such an outsider when I'm around them. I try so hard, and I want to be part of the family so badly, but I'm just not. They make small talk with me, but share deep connections with each other. I probably spoke three sentences total with my brother, and I even tried.

I just want to be part of a family so badly and mine doesn't really want me.

I'm sorry. I'm whining and crying and wallowing and I shouldn't be. I feel very guilty when I talk about it, and I feel guilty for feeling like this. I'm sorry. I have to stop.

Forgive my rambling.

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