3:06 p.m.

all at once

It seems that everything always happens all at once.

Last night I went out with Mark. He's a very nice person, and I knew he'd let me stay at his house. I've hesitated asking him, or going out with him because I didn't want to be pushy or awkward or anything. It's been awhile since we went out, and though we haven't been dating, I still see him all the time in class and we talk. It's not like I ended it badly, I just knew he wasn't who I wanted to spend my life with and I didn't want to hurt him.

So, I've been avoiding the situation with him because I feel guilty. I feel like I'm using him, or something. I don't know how to explain it.

I'm not his responsibility, so why should he care? I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not his wife, I'm not anything.


Anyway, we went out to dinner last night and I decided that he's nice and cute and I don't see a future with him...

and I fucked him in the bathroom of the restaurant.

Um. Yeah. I just said that.

I think it's a combination of sleep deprivation, because I am so tired I can't even think straight, and a bit of guilt, and the fact that I'm just sick of being alone all the time while everyone else has someone.

I hate the fucking holidays.

It was really good, though. I totally surprised him in the bathroom and started unbuttoning his pants. We went into a stall and he bent me over and we started fucking when someone came in - which actually turned me on more so I started moaning. I think the visitor liked it, too. I'd tell you more, but I have to go soon.

Anyway, I stayed at his house last night, and though I wasn't completely comfortable, I was more relaxed than in my car.

I got up early this morning to go to the gym, then I met my father for lunch. He gave me money. While I was at lunch, my mother called and left a message on my cellphone apologizing for everything and saying she'd leave the back door unlocked for me if I wanted to come home.

I'm going to go home, but I'm going to wait until she's gone. I miss my dog and my cats and my bed. I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted I can't think anymore and I'm making poor decisions and crying all the time.

I have to go to the Senior Center for a few hours to volunteer, then I'm going to Mark's house.

I'll probably make more poor decisions while I'm there.

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