12.05.06
11:45 p.m.
finals
I'm so very grateful that the school library is open extended hours for finals. At least now the people at the gym will think I took one night off.I'm emotionally exhausted. It's like I can't ever relax. I am comfortable, and I feel safe, but I can never really let my guard down. It's like I have to be alert 24 hours a day and I just wander around aimlessly. I don't know if that makes sense.
I'm so tired, and finals are next week so regardless of what happens, I am going to rent a room on Sunday and Monday because I need to be able to rest. I can't even think straight, let alone take finals. I will rest on Sunday, and I have 2 finals on Monday and one on Tuesday. The last is on Friday, but I'll have time to prepare for that, so I can stay in my car. This has been by far my worst semester and instead of being mad about my first B, I'm praying for a B- in several classes. How time changes everything.
I've been thinking about contacting Jeremy and asking to stay with him. It's been years, and I haven't spoke with him at all since I bailed him out of jail, but after 2 seconds of googling I see he's moved into an apartment in Pueblo. Maybe I could sleep there for a bit.
I don't think it's a wise idea, but all I have left is my pride, and I don't really care if he thinks I'm pathetic because he's seen me be more pathetic than this. And, in all honesty, I think he believes I'm pathetic anyway.
I don't know, my logic is faulty these days and maybe I'll change my mind before morning.
All I know is that the heater in my car isn't working very well anymore, and I have to figure something out because I can't live like this anymore. It was easier when I was 17, but I just feel worthless now.
It's almost midnight, so they're going to kick me out of the library soon. Please don't worry about me, I'll be ok. I promise.
