1:25 a.m.

full heart

I just got home from Jackie’s house. She’s having a lot of personal problems with her husband, Scott. He’s working nights now, and she’s home alone all night. She has nothing but time to think about her life, and as I know from personal experience, nothing but time to think about your life leads to serious epiphanies; usually ones that you spend your entire life trying to avoid thinking about.

Jackie and I are best friends, sisters really. I’ve known her since 1986. Wow…twenty fucking years. I just realized that. Through all these years, we’ve shared lots of things, and even when things aren’t explicitly said, we just know. Lately our lives have started going in completely separate directions, and though it’s pulled us apart a bit, we both know that we’ll always be there for each other no matter. It’s just a given.

Jackie and I don’t really open up about our feelings much, but she was completely freaking out tonight about everything and just blurted out shit that she never would’ve told me before.

She said she married the first person that would marry her and now she regrets everything. She was so worried about not being able to get married and have children before she turned old (30! Gasp!) that she settled for the first person who would take her. She said she loves him, but he’s nothing like who she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with, and she’s resenting him now because he isn’t who she dreamt of. She told me he’s lazy, rude, selfish and uncaring. He doesn’t like to do anything but sit at home and play video games.

She told me she wishes she never married him and now that she’s had a baby she can leave him because she got what she truly wanted in the first place. (Now, I completely DISAGREE with this and think it’s a bit despicable, but I know that she’s not the only woman to think this so I just let it go for tonight. She was too upset already)

Anyway, as I sat there and thought about it, I realized that I never let myself dream of an imaginary ‘mold’ that I want my husband to fit. I had never felt worthy enough to put standards on someone that would marry me, because I thought I should just take what I could get.

But, as I drove home tonight, I realize that maybe I have had slight glimpses of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I just never admitted it to myself. Because, if I admitted it, and it never happened, I’d be a failure.

I know I want someone that will love doing active outdoorsy things like hiking, biking, camping, and fishing. And, he’d have to be ok with the fact that it wouldn’t be live bait fishing unless he’d be willing to bait all my hooks because I can’t bring myself to pierce a little worm, let alone a minnow. [Side note: when I was a little girl every time we went fishing I would have to use those bright pink fish eggs to fish with because I refused to hurt the minnows my father would buy. In fact, I’d always take a minnow home and try to raise as my pet. Those things die easily.]

Someone who knows, and doesn’t care, that I’m a completely vulnerable 10 year old inside still. Someone who doesn’t want to spend their lives in front of the TV every night, someone who wants to go out and be with friends and family (I hope he has a loving and big family) and who likes spending time with people he cares about. And if we do decide to watch TV, that he likes watching football and Mythbusters and PBS and the Discovery channel, and not some mindless game show about choosing which case has the million dollars in it. Someone who likes learning as much as I do and enjoys reading sometimes, too. Someone who will go for walks with me in the evenings and hold my hand when we’re eighty. Someone who loves and supports me in everything I do and will always be on my side because he knows that I’ll always do the same for him.

I guess that’s a pretty big list.

I don’t care what he looks like, or what kind of car he drives, or how much money he makes, because when life is said and done, it’s not those kinds of things that matter. It’s how much you lived and enjoyed life, and it’s how much love you shared with the people you care about.

In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing.
Antonio Porchia

I just want a full heart.

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