10:08 p.m.


But this - this open, honest, loving, supportive, amazingly comfortable friendship that has prevailed and flourished is so much better than anything we had before. It's the kind of friendship I've waited my entire life to have, and I think that everything that's happened, including the pain, has been worth it.
I know, now more than I've ever known, that I have someone that will understand and love me forever and nothing that happens in either of our lives will change that. I don't have to worry or pretend or manipulate him into loving me, because he just does and always will. This friendship will still be intact in 50 years when we both have our own families.
And that thought makes me smile.
I'm so very glad that he's my best friend and that we could get past this. It's been a pretty hard few months, but every minute and every tear and every fight has been worth it. This is completely different than what I had wished for, but it is a thousand times better than anything I ever thought I wanted.

You know, I donít think Iím psychic by any means, but I knew something bad was coming. Iíve felt it for the past few days, and I even mentioned it on Tuesday night. I had this feel of dread, and this emptiness Ė but still painful Ė feeling inside.

And it has happened.

I said Iíve never felt as sad and empty and heartbroken as I did when Sam told me he was going on a date, or when my ovary was ripped out, but I think when I said those things I tempted fate. This, this is as empty and sad and heartbroken as Iíve ever felt, and Iím sure thereís worse, but please life, donít send me any more right now, I canít handle it.

I will miss him so much. I will think of him everyday and wish I could tell him the stupid things that make me laugh Ė like celebrity gossip, or toothpaste for dinner, or a softer world, or Vyna Ė and I wonít be able to. I wonít be able to tell him when Iím scared and lonely, or how I did on the exam I was worried about, or how much I love him and how proud I am of him, or anything.

He was my family, because I donít really have a functional one. He was who I told my deepest secrets, and someone I thought would love me forever no matter what; someone I thought would always be there.

And then life throws me a curveball and he canít be there for me anymore.

And Iíll be ok. Iíll get through this, and Iím not going to make him feel guilty about his decision, because in all honesty all I really want is for him to be happy. Still. After all of this, itís still all I want. And if it means that Iím not in his life, then so be it.

Iíll always love him, he will always be the best friend I ever had, and heíll be the only person that will ever know my deepest, darkest secrets.

Iím breaking it off with Mark. I know heís not the one, and I canít continue to pretend I might magically feel something different. I donít want to hurt him. I canít fathom making him feel the way I feel right now. Itís not fair to him, itís not his fault. Iím going to talk to him tonight; Iím on my way to his house, now. Heís a very sweet person, and I do care for him, but I donít feel that thing that I think you should feel when youíre with someone - that connection and understanding and love. Or maybe Iím just a romantic, and this is as good as itíll ever get.

Iím just so confused.

I donít think Iíll be posting much anymore. I feel this site has run its course. Maybe Iíll change my mind, maybe I wonít. Iím not sure, but right now I donít feel like sharing anymore.

If you need me you can email me at mixedupconfusion@gmail.com or the various other email addresses I use.

Bye for now.

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