12:11 a.m.


I'm so emotional today.

It's like the emptiness has come back inside me and I just feel... incomplete and broken. I've cried all day for no reason. Even in class.

I want to be happy and optimistic, I don't want to be the evil, pessimistic, sarcastic person I was. I was so happy for the past two weeks, I don't want it to just disappear.

Maybe it was the drugs.

Anyway, I'm sitting here on the couch next to Mark, and I just feel so alone. Even sitting right next to him I feel alone.

I have two exams due tomorrow, and I'm not ready for either. I freaked out earlier tonight and I felt so sick to my stomach and my heart was pounding and I couldn't breathe. I had a panic attack, and I messaged Sam, but he couldn't talk, and I understand.

I just felt very alone.

And now, sitting next to Mark, I still feel very alone.

In my heart of hearts, I know that Sam is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I honestly sit down and think about it, and logically take everything into consideration, I know he's not the one and it would never work between us. But, there are still times when my emotional attachment seems to take over my brain and I feel a bit jealous that someone else has him and takes him for granted.

And, how sad is that? That even when I'm completely honest with myself and I know he's not for me, I still feel a tinge of jealousy.

So, Mark is here, and I know he cares for me, and I should try to make it work with him. But there are times, times when I'm brutally honest with myself, that I know he's not the right one either. For various reasons, including how much his actions remind me of the me I'm trying to leave behind.

Why do I hang on to people that I shouldn't? Why do I cling to them when deep down I know it's wrong to do so?

Anyway, this weekend Mark is bringing me to the Denver vs. San Diego game, and I'm looking forward to it. It's the battle for the AFC west, and it should be quite exciting. It's a night game though, so I'm sure I'll freeze my ass off. At least I'll have a warm body to cuddle with and warm me up - maybe I expect too much out of a relationship and I should just settle for someone tangible.

last entry | next entry


I'm Not Dead, I Swear


Bulletpoints - 09.01.10
Today starts week three of my jury duty. - 04.13.10
I think my eyes are permently swollen from crying. - 04.03.10
I know it's April Fool's day, but I promise you this is no joke. - 04.01.10
Tempting fate. Please don't let me regret this. - 03.29.10

Archives 2002-2004


Perfect Pandas

Add to Technorati Favorites
Personal Blogs - Blog Top Sites
Health Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory