11.15.06
2:50 a.m.
Good feeling, won't you stay with me just a little longer
I've been worrying today and my tummy is telling me all about it. I get this feeling in my stomach when I worry, or when I feel something bad has/is going to happen to someone I love. Knots and knots and knots.I've felt it since this afternoon, and while my rational brain tells me it's because I have a midterm tomorrow that I am completely unprepared for, I tend to think I'm worrying about someone I love.
Also, today I got angry because someone I don't particularly like is getting a Great Dane. The dog I've been dreaming of getting since I was five. I felt myself get angry, and I said mean things. I realized it almost immediately, and then I began to feel panicky and guilty. Why does it matter if she gets a Great Dane? It's not the last one on the planet, and just because she's getting one doesn't mean I'll never get one. Why am I jealous over that?!
And then I started worrying that I'm not going to stay this happy person, and that the old, evil me is starting to resurface. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I don't want to go back to the old me. I'm so happy being...happy. I don't want this to end, and I'm so scared that it is.
I took half a Xanax and I'm feeling better.
I'm just so scared I won't be happy anymore.
I'm sure my stomach is in knots because this semester has been a wreck for me. It started off blah and has gotten progressively worse. From feeling lonely, to having my heart broken, to having my ovary ripped out, I just can't seem to stay interested or keep up. There is less than a month left, and I know that this is going to be my worst semester GPA wise that I've ever had, and there's nothing I can do about it now except try not to fail.
Anyway, I went to Mark's house to study tonight, because he said he'd help me and that he wanted to see me. I agreed because usually if I'm not pushed, I don't study.
I wasn't pushed, and I got nothing accomplished. Though I probably wouldn't have studied much on my own, I still feel a little resentful that he offered to help and then didn't.
Fuck. I don't want to be unhappy again.
Pray for me, k? Please?
