12:10 a.m.

one of my favorite violent femmes songs

Today I went for a walk. I think I've been pushing myself physically a little too hard again, but I'm getting so antsy and anxious.

It's like I've been given this new look on life and I just want to get started on it.

I've postponed so many things that I've wanted to do.

I keep postponing my life until I'm thin enough
until I'm happier
until I have a boyfriend
until I graduate from college
until I have a better job
until I learned Italian
until I have plastic surgery
until I'm married
until I have a house
until I have children
until I get in better shape
until I get those shoes, that purse, the jeans
until I get into a size two
until, until, until...

I'm sick of postponing my life for things that aren't going to happen unless I do something to make them occur.

I realize now that it's ok if I fail. It's ok if I'm not good at something, or if someone is better than me at something. It's ok if someone has to teach me how to do something, and it's ok if I try, I fail, and I don't try again.

Sam used to tell me I was addicted to being miserable - that I like being sad all the time. I was really hurt when he told me that, and I couldn't believe that he thought anyone would like feeling that way. But now I see that I wasn't addicted to being sad, I was afraid to be happy.

I was so scared of being happy that I avoided it. Every time I had been happy something happened to ruin it and I'd be miserable again. I felt guilty when I was happy like I didn't deserve it, and that people who were openly happy were just asking for someone to come pull the rug out from beneath them. So, I just started avoiding it all together

I'm not going to avoid anything anymore, and I'm not going to postpone my life for things that won't happen unless I make them.

I'm off the OxyContin for now but I made myself really sore today so I might take another. I'm so afraid this good feeling will leave me.

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