1:19 a.m.

ER trip two

I had to go to the ER last night. I was in so much pain I couldn't handle it any longer. Even with the pain pills, I couldn't move without vomiting from the pain.

I told my mother I needed to go to the hospital because there was no way I could drive. She took me and dropped me off.

What kind of mother just drops their child off at the ER without a second thought?

I have felt very alone lately.

They got me in quickly since I just had surgery. I didn't have to wait 3 hours this time. They did another ultrasound and bloodwork. One of my suture sites opened up and my abdomen was swollen and sore (from moving around and trying to do too much too soon apparently).

They thought I might have a bowel obstruction, but since I ate once the day after surgery and couldn't keep it down, I haven't eaten anything solid again. So, there's not really anything to be obstructed...

Anyway, they took xrays and didn't see any dilation or whatever. I zone out because I don't want to think about it. Just gas. Yum. They made me eat, and I didn't vomit it up. I'm supposed to eat more and make sure everything is working and I'm not obstructed.

Apparently if it's bad, you can vomit up feces. FECES! Just thinking about it makes me want to never eat again.

It hurts beyond belief to sit straight up now. I couldn't walk completely upright before, but now I look like a freak when I walk.

I can't imagine what someone with their entire abdomen sliced open must feel like. I just have little holes, and I can't move. You don't realize how much you use your ab muscles for EVERYTHING. I move my arms with my abdomen muscles apparently.

They keep setting rechecks for me, but they don't seem to realize I have no insurance. One lady said the Community Health Center program I'm on will pay for most of the bill, but then another said it won't but I can make payment arrangements as low as $50 a month - even though I'm sure my bill is well over what my college education will cost me.

I can't think about it because it just makes me want to cease existing.

I'm rotting away in bed.

Even when I'm with Mark, I feel very lonely. I felt empty inside before all of this, now I just feel dead inside.

How emo of me.

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