bikingI tried coming home last night at 3:00am because I was so absolutely frozen I couldn't feel my toes even after cycling the car on and off for hours. But, when I tried to get in, the deadbolt was locked, and I couldn't. So, I went back to the parking lot and left the car on until 6:00am.
I went to the gym, worked out for a few hours, took a shower and got ready for the day. I called my friend, Andy, and we went for a three hour bike ride. It was really nice, I haven't been mountain biking in so long. I'm determined to buy a new bike and get my ass in the mountains as often as possible. It was much more exhausting than hiking, and I went 10 times as far.
After the bike ride I went to Andy's for a bit and we talked about life. He made dinner while I took a shower. I didn't eat it, and I feel really guilty that he went through all that trouble and I didn't even eat it.
I'm so confused about my life right now. What I think is best, or what I think I want, changes every hour.
I'm sure spending hours alone in a car makes one crazy. I'm positive it drove me crazy.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I came home tonight at 8:00pm, my mother had gone to bed, and the deadbolt was unlocked. That's her way of saying it's ok for me to come home again.
I feel 16.
My father's alimony is done come next month, and there is no way that my mother can survive without it. She makes $900 a month, and his alimony is $1000. She's had 10 years to get on her feet and better herself, and she hasn't. I don't blame my father one bit for being happy that this alimony is finally over, but I'm stuck in the middle again just like I was when I was sixteen.
I feel like I'm never going to grow up. I feel like I constantly need a father figure to take care of me, and make sure I'm ok, and tell me that things will be alright, and Sam was that person.
So, it's like this double whammy of the alimony ending and being in the middle of a divorce all over again and feeling 16, and losing the person that has been that father figure and support in my life for the past two years all at once.
I hate change. I hate it more than anything, and I know that it's inevitable but that doesn't make it better.
FUCK. I'm 27 and I feel so small and helpless and young.
I'm going to die alone. I'm already a spinster.
I'm going to bed, I'm so tired.