10:39 p.m.

I want him to be happy. I swear.

Can someone tell me how not to be jealous? Cause if someone could just tell me, I think I could do it.

I do want him to be happy. More than anyone in this world, I want him to be happy. He deserves the best - he's the most amazing person I've ever had the pleasure of loving.

I want him to be happy.

I have to say it 500 times a day so eventually I'll believe it. It's not so much that I don't believe it, because I do. It's that I wish I could amend it with "with me". I want him to be happy - with me.

God, I feel so selfish and guilty. I do want him to be happy, and I'm not ready for him anyway, but I can't stop wishing it was me and not her he was with.

I can't expect him to wait until I'm fixed. I can't expect him to put his life on hold for me, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't really want me anyway.

So, I just really wish I could get past this part where I feel jealous, then guilty for being jealous, and then even more guilty for not being able to support him like I should. He's my best friend and more than anything I want to be there for him when he needs me and be supportive and loving and enthusiastic that he's doing something that's making him happy. In fact, I'm so proud of him for doing this, because I know that he's just like me and it's hard to step out of our comfort zones.

I try. I say the things I know in my mind are the right things and I try not to judge the relationship and find faults. I really try. I'm trying so hard, and I thought if I just kept trying it would become natural.

But there's still this gut twisting jealousy inside.

The thing that kills me is that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY do want him to be happy because he deserves it, but I'm too selfish to get over my own heartbreak to help him succeed in this. He needs my help to succeed in this, and he needs me to be happy for him. I know this.

Just make the jealousy go away.


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