12:16 a.m.

Ha! I DO have a broken heart

I passed out in my class today.

As in passed the fuck out, head hitting the desk.

I woke up about 2 minutes later to the entire class surrounding me and being told that the ambulance was on the way.

I have never felt so embarrased in my entire life. I'm not going back to class.

Because the ambulance was called, 'and it's university policy' I had to go to the hospital.

I sat up during the ride, and talked to the EMTs. They didn't even use the sirens much.

I was in the ER for 4 hours or so, but I honestly don't remember what time I got there. I had test after test after test. I had an EKG or ECG or whatever it's called when they monitor your heart.

I don't know how I'm going to pay this bill. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose my school money and my life will fall apart. This is why I had to file bankruptcy in the first place, and this is why my check was garnished for over a year. I'm sure the ambulance ride alone will be at least $500.

How am I going to do this?!

They wanted to admit me, but I left AMA (against medical advice) and had to sign a bunch of papers saying I could die and blah, blah, blah.

They say I passed out because of a few reasons: I'm anemic, I'm stressed, my blood pressure was low, and I have a fucked up heart.

Yeah, a fucked up heart. It 'resets' itself every few beats. It has an extra intermediate beat, and kinda 'hiccups'. It's some kind of arrhythmia called extrasystole or something like that. The paperwork is still in my car and I don't really remember much. I just remember thinking I was going to die. My grandfather had 5 heart attacks before he finally passed away from his sixth. Heart disease runs in my family and I'm already running on a 'broken' one. I'm scared. Honestly.

Also, I think I've peed at least 45 times. I go pee, sit down, and have to go pee again. IVs are not my friends.

I have a massive headache, and I'm tired but I can't sleep.

My best friend was there for me. He talked to me and reassured me and told me he loved me dearly, and though it was only by phone, it was nice. It was nice not to be alone, and it was nice to hear his voice and it made me feel better.

I really miss him and it's hard to swallow sometimes, but I'm glad he's happy.

And, I'm not faking it.

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