12:31 a.m.

You: please don't read this

I am the most pathetic person I know.

Iím in love with someone that doesnít love me back.

And, heís my best friend.

And, I told him.

And I was so stupid to believe that I was going to live some retarded fucking fantasy life with him. And everything would be ok. And heís going on a date tomorrow and I feel more heartbroken than I have ever felt in my life.

And even if he said, ďI love you. I want you. I choose you.Ē It wouldnít help because there is nothing that can be said now. There is nothing that can fix this.

And heís my best friend and I talk to him everyday and heís been avoiding me though he says he hasnít. And Iíve missed him so much. And when I talked to him I blurted out all these things and then he tells me heís going on a date.

And I want to crawl in a hole and die.

And I do love him very much, and I want him happy and he should do what makes him happy.

And Iím just a selfish, pathetic person because I want nothing but what makes me happy.

And itís been over two years and I canít imagine my life without him. When I think of something funny, or Iím having a bad day or anythingÖthe only person I want to tell is him.

And he knows everything about me, now more than Iíve ever wanted anyone to know. Because now he knows everything and he has the power and I just donít have the energy to do this again.

I donít have the energy to know someone as much as I know him. And I donít have the energy to let someone know me like he knows me.

And I just give up.

And itís not his fault, and I canít be mad at him.

And I would miss him so much if I never talked to him again, but I donít think Iím strong enough to do this.

And I got an invitation to an ex boyfriendís wedding. And it basically sums up my life.

Iím the girl that boys stay friends with while they go marry someone else.

I feel like Iím just walking around empty. I donít know how to describe it; Iím sure itís just standard heartbreak. Though, Iíve never felt it like this before.

And I feel so guilty that he has to deal with this. I wish I wouldíve just kept my mouth shut. I wish I couldíve pretended to be happy for him, and be the person he needs me to be, but Iím too selfish.

And now he knows everything. Things Iíve never told people and things Iíve never told myself. He knows things I wish he didnít.

Iíve never felt this vulnerable and pathetic in my life.

But, I suppose itíll do me good. Iím not hungry for the first time in a year.

last entry | next entry


I'm Not Dead, I Swear


Bulletpoints - 09.01.10
Today starts week three of my jury duty. - 04.13.10
I think my eyes are permently swollen from crying. - 04.03.10
I know it's April Fool's day, but I promise you this is no joke. - 04.01.10
Tempting fate. Please don't let me regret this. - 03.29.10

Archives 2002-2004


Perfect Pandas

Add to Technorati Favorites
Personal Blogs - Blog Top Sites
Health Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory