06.06.06

1:58 a.m.

incoherent rambling

I haven�t felt this�sad/worthless/depressed/uncomfortable� ever.

So much so that I can�t even describe it accurately.

I don�t know what�s wrong with me. I sleep all day, and even when I get up after 13 or more hours of sleep, I�m still tired to my bones. I don�t want to get out of bed, because frankly, my dreams are better than my life. Even my nightmares are an improvement on my everyday existence.

There have been times when I�ve been depressed, but it�s never been quite like this. I�m dreading classes with every fiber of my being this summer. I feel like my life is slipping away so quickly.

And, it is. I�ve lost complete control.

I�ve become a lazy bulimic. As in I�m too lazy to bother purging anymore. In an attempt to be healthier, I try not to purge. But, I still binge. I�ll binge and binge and binge and binge, then tell myself I can�t purge. Hours later with a bloated and burning stomach I�ll give in and purge.

But really, what good is that?

I suppose in all reality I�ve switched from being bulimic to being a binge eater. I�ve gained so much weight it makes me sick thinking about it. I�m too embarrassed to go to the gym. Even my �fat clothes� don�t fit anymore.

And really, there�s nothing worse than a fat girl in clothes that are too tight. I know, I�ve seen myself in the mirror. But I can�t buy anything bigger if I can�t even bring myself to go to the store, let alone try things on.

I don�t bother wearing makeup anymore. I don�t even want to look in the mirror for a second longer than I have to. My hair hasn�t seen a style in forever; unless a ponytail is a style. Showers seem redundant, though I haven�t stopped bathing just yet.

I�m a vile person. I guess my outsides are finally starting to match my inside.

I criticize everyone I see. I hate myself so much, and it kills me that others don�t hate themselves, too. I�m so mad that there are people who are fatter, uglier, or less intelligent than me and they�re perfectly content with their lives. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that the first thing that pops into my mind when I see anyone is the most negative thing I can think of. I have to find something, about everyone, that I hate.

I�m so fucking jealous that they don�t constantly berate themselves, that they have the fucking nerve to be happy in their miserable existence, when I can�t even muster up one good attribute about myself and honestly believe it.

For the first time, I finally realize how pessimistic I am. How much disdain and absolute contempt I have for every single person. I hate them, because I hate me.
I feel like running away; somewhere far away and telling no one. I just want to disappear.

I took a ride in the mountains tonight because I just wanted to be alone. My mind wandered to the fact that it�s 06/06/06, how everyone is making into more than it is, and how it would be an interesting day to die. That I could just pull the wheel to the right and fly off the mountain cliff.

But, I don�t want to die. Mainly because I don�t believe in an afterlife, or that some beautiful place is waiting for me. I think when you die, you�re dead, and that�s pretty much it. I don�t want to die, so please don�t mistake this as some sort of suicidal call for help.

I just want to be happy.

And, I�m just so sad.

Worse than I've ever been before.

I just want to be happy.


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