2:47 a.m.


My father cancelled lunch today, but I had the nerve to ask him on the phone to help me with a new car.

It didn’t go so well.

When I asked him, his first response was a laugh. A few seconds later he said, “Julie, I don’t have any money.”

Then I told him I didn’t want him to pay for a new car, though that would’ve been nice, I just needed him to sign for one because they would laugh me out of the dealership if I tried alone. I tried convincing him that I was trying, and told him I have $2200 saved.

I know I haven’t written about it here, but I received my financial aid award letter in the mail a few days ago, and I got several scholarships and grants; $21,000 total for financial aid next year.

The first thing he asked – when will my money be disbursed?

I should’ve expected this. I did expect this.

If I thought it would help, I would’ve pointed out that he bought my brother two cars, and paid for most of his college expenses. But, instead of helping, it would just make him angry and even more unwilling to help.

Immediately after the phone call, I binged and purged. I haven’t really stopped all day.

I’m more disappointed than I thought I’d be. I tried preparing myself for this, I knew it would be his response, but I still held out hope.

I just wish he loved me, and his rejection makes me feel like he never will.

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