9:38 p.m.

I'm numb


When it comes down to it, Iím a pretty bad friend. Iím selfish.

Youíre my best friend. More than anyone has ever been. More than people Iíve known for decades. Iíve told you everything and youíve accepted it; youíve told me everything and Iíve accepted it.

There isnít anything that I wouldnít share with you. I want to tell you everything. The minute I see something interesting, or funny, or unusual Ė youíre the first person I think of sharing it with. When Iím sad or lonely or upset, youíre the only person I want to comfort me.

Iíve never felt this safe with anyone.

I know I obsess about things that most people wouldnít. I didnít realize how selfish I was until you told me how much it hurt. I always worry about how my feelings are affected in every situation Ė even when it has nothing to do with me.

I twist things until itís about me. I make it so itís about me.

Iím sorry.

I love you so much that I honestly donít know what Iíd do without you. Iíve taken your presence for granted. You said youíd always love me and always be there for me, and I took it for granted.

I realize now that nothing is unconditional. I canít just assume that youíll always be there no matter how I treat you.

I just want you to be happy. Youíre so beautiful when you smile; I canít help but smile with you.

I donít understand how this got so twisted. How itís gone from ĎI love youí to ĎI loved youí. How only one letter can make me feel like my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces.

I suppose thatís a lie Ė I do know how itís gone this far. Iíve ruined it. I wish it was like it used to be when youíd be so happy to talk to me and tell me things. That you didnít have to worry about how Iíd react. All I can say is that Iíll try to be better.

Iím sorry.

I love you very much, and always will. No matter what. I just want you to be happy, and if that means not having me in your life Ė then I guess I just have to accept that no matter how much it hurts me.

Iím so sorry.


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