02.28.06
4:14 p.m.
h��liches kind
I knew that my happiness wouldn�t last long. It�s my own fault.I fool myself.
I fool myself into thinking that maybe I�m ok. That maybe it�s not so horrible being me, and I�m not this disgusting, hideous awful person.
It�s a joke.
I�m a joke.
My life is a fucking joke.
You know, it�s quite apparent here that I have shitty self esteem. I don�t try to hide it. I know I�m not gorgeous, I know I�m not beautiful. But I do try to hide it in real life. I try to pretend I�m ok.
But I made this stupid mistake of thinking maybe I was pretty. Just a little.
Because you know, pretty is subjective.
There are standards that everyone thinks is beautiful or gorgeous, but pretty can be anything. The quirky smile on the cashier at the grocery store, or the way someone�s eyes light up or something � anything that you think is attractive on someone else.
Words can be extremely hurtful, but silence when you need to hear something hurts more.
Simply put, I�m not pretty. I never have been. I never will be.
It�s like the whole �I may be fat, but you�re ugly, but I can always diet� thing.
No matter how much I purge, or how much I starve � I�ll never be pretty.
I feel like such a fool for even entertaining the thought.
I�m not stupid. I know exactly what I�m doing to myself. I know it�s wrong. I know it�s impossible.
But, I also know I�m going to die trying to be something I never can achieve.
