01.24.06
9:53 p.m.
forever?
I thought I had finally found someone to love me. Forever. No matter what. Someone that I could be myself with, and tell everything to, and it be ok because they understood me.The only thing worse than not having someone like that, is only thinking that you do.
And then realizing that it's never going to be like that. That you're so messed up that it's impossible to find anyone willing to put up with you. And that you really do have to walk on eggshells and watch your words and pretend things are ok when they aren't.
Even unconditional love has its conditions.
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11 things you don't know:
1. I dropped one of my classes yesterday because I felt so overwhelmed and hopeless.
2. I've purged at least 5 times everyday leading up to the decision.
3. I feel like I've completely let down everyone I know.
4. It takes more food, more pain, and more blood everytime to feel ok.
5. I called my father and told him I dropped the class and he said, "Well, that's a bit disappointing..."
6. My mother told me to move out. Now. Again. Then she threw some stuff.
7. Jackie told me the baby shower invites I bought weren't her style, and she didn't want to use them. She also informed me she wants an ice cream cake, but only from Coldstone, a special artichoke dip from Par Avion that is $14 for a teeny package, lunch for at least 18 people, and that she's fighting with her mother so everything is up to me to plan - and pay for.
8. Today in one of my engineering classes we had a group project and the 3 other guys in my group laughed at me the whole time. 'She's just a girl.' And even though I know I was right, I felt so stupid. And unwanted. If I hadn't already dropped one class, I would've left right then and dropped that one.
9. I lost a library book during my painting fiasco, and it's due today. I've searched everywhere and can't find it. I called, and it's going to be a $25 fine. Appropriately, it's called the Myth of You and Me. I haven't even read it.
10. It looks like someone hit me because I have a black eye. From Bailey.
11. I bought new headphones today.
