06.22.04
11:17 p.m.
Placate me
I�m lonely, but not in the conventional sense of the word.I have friends, family and co-workers who care about me; if I wanted, I could be surrounded by people ninety percent of the time. It�s not that I feel alone, it�s that I feel lonely.
It�s difficult when you change and the people who�ve known you forever don�t want to accept it. I�ve been such a bitter person for so long; people have come to expect snide remarks and scathing comments from me. I�m not that person anymore. At least I don�t want to be.
I want someone who can accept that I change � continually. I want someone who knows all of my idiosyncrasies and peculiarities and not only accepts them, but embraces them. I want to share my opinion on everything and not have someone judge me for lack of political correctness. Someone who knows I like uncool things like AM radio and science - and doesn�t care. Someone who likes football as much as I do, and enjoys the stupid, imaginary rivalry I invent between our teams. Someone who can listen to me whine when I need to and give me space when I want it. I want someone who knows my insecurities � that I�m not always such a cold-hearted, sarcastic bitch. That sometimes I feel like crying for no reason. It would be nice to let my guard down once in awhile � just let someone in. Let someone know the real me, or at least help me discover who I am. I�ve played so many roles in my life; I�m not even convinced of who I am. I�ve spent most of my life placating others, making sure they were content with themselves and their situation in life. I want someone who will do that for me.
Maybe it�s society�s fault. It seems everyone blames society for their own shortfalls, who am I to argue? It�s force fed from birth that the ultimate goal in life is to be part of a couple and reproduce. After all, the only thing anyone ever turns out to be in the end is someone else�s grandparent. Perhaps I�m too picky; do other people settle for less than I expect? Maybe I should feel it�s adequate to tell the anonymous masses who I really am, while keeping my thoughts and fears to myself in the real world. I could go on like this for the rest of my life � playing the part of a pulled together, self sufficient, independent woman. But, I don�t really want to.
