11:14 p.m.

I like who I am when I'm around him. Does that even make sense anywhere other than in my head?

I'm sure you're sick of hearing my obsessive love-filled ramblings about the Captain, but my heart is practically overflowing and I can't not talk about him. It's ridiculous, really. Trust me, I know.

When I first became smitten with the Captain I fully intended on keeping it completely separate from work and that no one would ever know about the intended relationship. It would be a secret. Of course, I told myself that this was because having a relationship with a coworker (which technically he is...) is improper and unprofessional. Not to mention that my crushes are completely inappropriate and usually fizzle within weeks - if not days. However, in retrospect I believe there were several other factors in that decision. Ones I'm not particularly proud of...

1) He's completely and utterly socially awkward. Beyond anything you could probably imagine, really. I've met awkward people before, but he's in the top 5 hands down. Perhaps I was slightly embarrassed to even be attracted to him, which is ridiculous considering...

2) I was worried that he might be embarrassed to be attracted to me. Obviously, if you've read anything about me here, my self esteem is ridiculously low and I have a hard time believing that someone decent could actually want me. I didn't think he'd want his friends to know he was interested in a fat, ugly, 30 year old. Because of my lack of self esteem, I have a tendency to care way too much about how others perceive me, which leads to...

3) I was worried about what my adviser (among others) would think. Me, a self-professed atheist who hates children, being involved with him, a home-schooled Catholic boy who doesn't believe in birth control or pre-marital sex. It's fodder for a sit-com, really. I suppose it could be construed as cruel, but the only reason I approached the cadets was so my adviser and I could discuss the finer points of their lives; for gossip, really. That's despicable. However, let me remind you of how the department viewed the Air Force boys upon arrival...

There are two particular grad students who everyone in the department dislikes, including the professors. No one will approach them or say anything to them about their lack of work because they're from the Air Force and a lot of funding comes with them while they're here. On Friday I decided to be blunt and tell them what the fuck I thought about them and their snotty Cadet attitude because I'm not going to work with these people for two years in this environment. As expected, things worked out fine because people appreciate being told the truth (in a slightly deadpan/sarcastic way).
Basically, we thought they were jerks. I realize that isn't really justification for cruelty, though.

Anyway, while I'm still not a fan of PDAs or discussing my private life at school, I make no attempt to hide our relationship/whatevership anymore and I feel a bit odd about it. We've had his roommate over for dinner several times, I feel comfortable discussing our weekends with other grad students without feeling the need to hide the fact that we were together, and I've openly discussed with my adviser that the Captain and I go to dinner, movies and hang out on a regular basis. Though it's still under the pretense of just BFFs.

It's odd. I have no idea what happened, but quite frankly I don't care what anyone thinks anymore, I adore him and I make no attempt to hide that.

What is this? I've never felt like this with someone - especially someone I've NEVER SLEPT WITH. I feel very maternal and protective, as well. What the hell is wrong with me?! Someone please psychoanalyze me.

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